There are certain things everybody has in common. We know it's windy. We're talking about the bird. We're kung-fu fighting. We want to rule the world. And we all have an opinion about goal-line technology.
I mean, assuming putting a freaking camera on the goal line even qualifies as technology at this point. I suppose we should ban night games and goalkeeping gloves.
It sort of appeals to us that The Game should be The Same no matter where it is played. From the Bernabeu to Qwest, the rules are the same.
Well, of course, the turf is different. There is very little that is natural about the effort it takes to maintain a soccer field. But that's not technology.
And we use a ball that has been as heavily engineered as a Predator drone. To think they used to kill cows to make footballs. Of course, if we really wanted to be traditional with the ball, we'd go back to the original, but I think eventually Danes would start complaining. But that's not technology, either.
Nope. No place for technology in the game whatsoever. We're lucky the players wear shirts and shorts, instead of mammoth skins.
So what shall we do?
Some suggest a microchipped ball, which would emit a high-pitched scream whenever it crosses a white line. But not the center line, the touch line, the penalty area, or the six yard box. Okay, I didn't actually do any research on this. But I'm pretty sure it's a CIA plot. First they implant our balls, then they implant our brains.
If only there were a solution that would do without expensive technology altogether.
Well, I have an idea.
I would place on the field of play what one might term a dude or a guy or a hombre. And this dude would duplicate the features of the referee. We would give this dude a whistle, and the dude would be empowered to call fouls and goals.
We could also conceivably place a dude on each goal line, and provide instructions for the dude to signal whether a ball crossed the line. We could give this particular dude a flag or something as well, so said dude could wave it when, I dunno, Thierry Henry bats the ball with his flipper or something.
Among the advantages of using dudes instead of microchips is that dudes are fairly easy to make, by a process which is 100% natural and organic.
By focusing the discussion on overcomplicated technology and misdirected fears, it will be child's play for Blatter to once again kill reform as dead as parachute pants. As if it could possibly take some hombre that long to tell whether the ball crossed a line and raise a flag to signal such. And as it it wouldn't be worth it, just so England would have to admit they lose games because they're worthless rather than because some guy missed a call.