You won't have me to kick around any more, because this is my first press conference

I'm sure you've all heard the good news by now. I'm very proud and happy to announce that I have been named the Minister of Information for the National Association Football Federation.

I very much believe in the future of this new, dynamic league, and hope to do my part to put AssBallFed on everybody's lips. Even though the AssBallFed has not yet been sanctioned by the United States Soccer Federation, we look forward to working with the USSF and its stupid, blinkered president who should be fired.

I see this new position as the natural progression from my reporting on the growth and development of this wonderful new league and the unfair opposition it has faced from entrenched corporate interests.

Although I won't be reporting on my blog site on these topics, at least not under my real name, I have every reason to believe that my blog will provide the same fine, trustworthy and accurate reporting and analysis that you have naturally come to expect. My skill as a reporter enabled me to bring information to you, the reader, and now the company I was covering has hired me. I believe my qualifications and record speak for themselves.

I have absolutely no reason to apologize for any of the reporting I have done on this subject. I am very proud of articles such as "The National Association Football Federation is Here, and It's The Best Thing Ever," "The N Stands For National, Not Necrophilia," "You Won't Believe This Juicy Tidbit I Just Happened To Hear From the National Association Football Federation," "It's an Extremely Good Idea to Get Into a Protracted Legal Fight Over Second Division Soccer, Considering the Millions and Millions of Dollars at Stake," and "Oh ****, I Need a Job."

Besides, I have covered many, many more topics besides how fantastic the people are who I now happen to work for. I have also brought you "Barack Obama Needs Major League Soccer," "People Will Stop Being Soccer Fans If Steven Cohen Isn't On Sirius," and "******** You, I'm Not a Blogger, I'm a Citizen Journalist."

I also anticipate absolutely no problems in dealing with the mainstream soccer media in my new position, because making the transition from demanding respect from the mainstream soccer media to fronting for the interests of the people who I was covering extremely favorably isn't in any way, shape or form a painfully high-pitched truck driver gear change.

After all, the larger issues of who controls soccer in the United States are still here. The AssBallFed was formed to challenge the pernicious corporate dominance that the Premier Development League exerts, and we will continue to do so. The AssBallFed will not rest until the millions of soccer fans in this country have a true, authentic alternative to the PDL.

In the meantime, I don't anticipate any particular challenges in dealing with the people to whose destruction I have committed myself.

The AssBallFed is proud to carry on the tradition of the great names in soccer history: the San Jose Earthquakes, the New York Giants, the Hartford Bi's, the Cedar Rapids Vapor, and the Rolling Stones. We are using a number of social networking sites, such as Craigslist and Usenet, to put together another three teams.

While we're on the subject, there have been some rumors about trademark infringements, we hope to settle those completely meritless cases very soon. After all, it should be perfectly clear that seeing "Tonight! The Rolling Stones!" on a marquee in front of a sports stadium would refer to a soccer team, and not a musical quintet. Besides, I am led to understand that the music group in question do not actually have anything to do with stones, rocks, or boulders, whether in motion or at rest. So who's really being misleading here?

Most of all, I'd like to thank all of my fans. This couldn't have happened without you. If you take one thing away from this, it's that fans who have taken the time to learn the issues, who haven't bought into buzzwords or slogans, who have wanted to take an active role in how soccer is run. After all, who really puts time, money, and effort into making sure games are played, leagues are formed, stadiums are built, and the game continues to grow? The owners who spend the money? The players who practice every day?

Of course not. It's the fans.

You made this all possible.

So. Questions?

"All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental" - Kurt Vonnegut