World Cup Draw Liveblog!

10:00. Finally, the moment the world has been waiting for. The World Cup draw! And I'll be RIGHT HERE, giving you my up-to-the-minute opinions on the draw as it happens!

10:01. Crap. Gotta poo. BRB

10:05. Seriously, that was gonna be the joke. I wasn't going to post until a couple of hours from now. I'm actually following along through Aaron's link to the Guardian. Why am I watching a bunch of anti-American propaganda? Couldn't tell you.

10:08. When the Guardian says their page automatically updates every minute? GOD-DAMN LIARS is what they are.

10:09. If you really, really wanted a random draw, you'd get a ping-pong ball like in the lottery. Just saying.

10:10. ....oh, for the love of GOD. SCREW YOU, Mexico. Just...SCREW YOU. I hope you get France, and, like, the LEGION OF DOOM to round out that group. Jesus H. God and his angry mother-in-law. Mexico, given the South Africa group. Enjoy your FREE GOD-DAMN PASS. NOW was there any point in winning the Hex? December 4 should be a ********ing national holiday in Mexico from now on.

10:13. I hate soccer. Always have.

10:14. Eng...land?

10:15. Not sure Spain should be thrilled about having drawn Honduras. I see they're protecting Italy as well as Brazil.

10:16. What is this Eng...land of which you speak?

10:17. Yeah, our draw is pretty much over, now. BECKHAMLAND and two other countries, here's some college football.

10:18. Per comment, yeah, Grant Wahl's book just went into another printing.

10:19. I'm just going to be the tenth or twentieth to say what we're all thinking. Landon, if you ********ing lose to Beckham, you won't be able to live with yourself. Win one game out of three and go home, fine. Just ********ING BEAT ENGLAND.

10:20. I mean, English fans? Seriously, nothing personal. I'm an Anglophile at heart. You can't take an interest in soccer history without having some affection for the place. That said, the history of soccer is the history of countries who BEAT ENGLAND and WENT CRAZY. Doesn't mean I don't like you, doesn't mean anything except beating England is going to be great for American soccer.

10:21. Oh, right, 1950. Well...okay, let's beat them again. Let me guess, England's all fired up for revenge for Tom Finney.

10:22. No, seriously. Mexico has their gift, the US has their Day of Reckoning. My cheering interest in this is pretty much done. What, afterwards, do you hang around the DMV all day and watch other people getting bad pictures taken?

10:25. Refresh the Guardian page anyway. I should have gone elsewhere. Oh. Slovenia and Algeria. Um...okay, absolutely no excuses.

Of course, you know what they're saying in Slovenia, Algeria, and England, don't you. They are popping corks. They're sporting more wood than a Lincoln Log factory. They are so far over the moon they're paying Pink Floyd royalties. All four teams are already extending their reservations with South African prostitutes.

10:28.

Yeah, didn't see that coming. Cancel that holiday. Home team and recent WC/Euro champ. At least you know the refs are gonna be on France something fierce, and they'll get no love from the home fans. Still, you gotta think you're better than Uruguay.

10:30. Boy, that went by quick, after all that waiting. It's like my virginity all over again. THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Do I have to list the groups and project which teams I think will go through? You're not here for NEWS, are you? I'm on the crappy Guardian site!

10:33. Wow, someone in Brasilia, Lisbon or Beaverton missed a payment. Brazil AND Portgual, thrown to each other and the Sexy Elephants.

If I'm Kim Jong-Il, I'm shooting some secret footage of guys in yellow and orange shirts stumbling around, and preparing a state broadcast this summer of "World Cup games."

10:42. Group A: [Grandmother from "Blazing Saddles]Yeah, sorry about that whole "Screw you, Mexico" thing.[/I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town] The home team has NEVER failed to make it to the second round, and France is, you know, good. I think Mexico can get to the second round ahead of the Unmitigated Gaul, but they had an easier group four years ago, even.

Group B: If Maradona is coaching, it's Nigeria and South Korea. Seriously, bet the world on this.

Group C: I will complain about tough draws no more forever. Nike DID make the payment for this one. England is a huge money-game, and it SHOULDN'T matter if we lose, because we're gonna beat those other two teams, RIGHT?

I realize I sound like I did before the Iran game eleven years ago. Well, guess what. WE SHOULD HAVE BEATEN IRAN ELEVEN YEARS AGO, TOO. We don't get out of this group, then it's going to make 1998 look downright pleasant.

Group D: As in Death.

Group E: As in Eath. I don't think Japan and Denmark will be pushovers, and I know Cameroon won't be. Non-seeded France might have an easier time. Still, the nice thing about being a seed is that you're presumably good enough to beat teams like Denmark, Japan and even Cameroon, so I'm not going to cry bloody tears for Netherstan.

Group F: Four very happy teams. Two of them are wrong. Well, two out of three. Italy pretty much has a bye. This one will be as suspenseful as a Juve game with the scudetto on the line.

Group G: As in Geath.

Group H: As in Honduras. Yeah, I think they can get through. Switzerland and Chile are in for a surprise. Oh, the games aren't in San Pedro Sula? Well...okay, but still.

And now, back to our lives.

UPDATE: Maybe this country isn't ready for soccer after all. This is commentary from "Deadspin." Read it and weep.
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Hit Bull Win Steak
04:10 PM
And an American actor is playing Sherlock Holmes! So NYAAA!!!!

Wait, Batman is British now?? ********!!!
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StevieFranchise
04:10 PM
@Hit Bull Win Steak: Batman is Welsh
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Hit Bull Win Steak
04:14 PM
@StevieFranchise: Wales is part of Britain.

/educated
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StevieFranchise
04:35 PM
@Hit Bull Win Steak: Previous comment withdrawn, but did it really take 3 of you rocket scientists to point it out?
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It's going to be a long six months of trolling.