MLS Anti-Awards 2009

I, too, am removing my name from consideration for DC United's head coaching position.

Bill has his own take on the nominees. That reminds me, I need to fill out my MLS awards ballot.

Oops.

Well, the good news is, you won't be able to blame me for any of this year's winners.

The only thing I wanna add to Bill's post is that, yeah, Omar Gonzalez laid a big donkey egg on Sunday, but without a ridiculously manful performance week in and week out, the Galaxy probably miss the playoffs, and certainly don't finish first. There might be tougher positions to put a rookie in, let alone starting every damn game, but central defender is right up there. So what if the Galaxy have been doing it three years in a row? How well has it been working out for them? And so what if Omar had Berhalter to guide him? Berhalter is probably teaching him a lot, but it's not like Gonzalez was pairing up next to the Gregg of 2002. Or the Tony Sanneh of 2002. I'm sure there were a lot of unofficial assistant coaches helping out Gonzalez and De La Garza, but they still had to execute.

Anyway. People are all over the actual awards, so let's do the Anti-Awards.

Roach Coach of the Year
John Carver asplodes, and he's still not a serious candidate for this title. Matt still can't believe Juan Carlos Osorio resigned before being fired, nor can the civilized world.

Comedown Player of the Year
Despite fierce competition from stadium-mate Edson Buddle, Sacha Kljestan's fall from grace has both Lucifer and Jon Gosselin wincing.

Orange Cone of the Year
Followed up calling Kei Kamara a mental midget by being thrown off the roster of the worst defense in the league and onto one of the biggest trainwrecks in the world. A year to forget for Nick Garcia, despite the fact that he's right about Kamara.

Matador of the Year
Not, statistically, the worst keeper in the league, but I'm going to bend the rules and count the Open Cup final for Josh Wicks. DC United probably had the second and third best keepers...in the entire Los Angeles Galaxy roster...from last year. Wow, are we sure they can't convince Soehn to stay?

Foul Play Award
Conor Casey committed more fouls in fewer games than Atiba Harris. But, he scores ONCE in a while. The easy choice, though, is Carlos Johnson, whose club and country career this season was positively Kljestanesque, if not downright Alvarezesque. The biggest red card to games played ratio since Metrostars legend Branco sealed this award.

Plague Rat of the Year
Given to the worst newcomer, we salute Alfredo Pacheco, accepting for any number of Red Bulls. Is Walter Garcia actually alive?

NAMBLA Team Public Relations Award
Matt on Stan the Man:

Whatever, Matt. I'm still giving this one to Leiweke. The attendance numbers say it all. Michael Hitchcock fought hard for this award, but it just wasn't enough. Lew Wolff looks like a hell of a competitor for next year, though.

Humanitarian of the Year
Dane Richards, for his Facebook Fan Outreach Program.

Hush Puppies Referee of the Year
Usually, I take the real MLS refs, and say "three-way tie for last." Jair Marrufo pretty much scuppered his career for Blanco's shirt, though, which is like taking your bribe money in Pogs.

Sunsweet Prune Juice Overstayed Welcome of the Year
I don't give an award for worst rookie, because I don't believe in criticizing rookies. (Well, #1 overall picks, maybe. But Zakuani was perfectly good, even though my campaign to nickname him The Life Aquatic With Steve Zakuani got nowhere.) So this award is to the great, tough veteran who basically pulls a Bela Lugosi in Plan 9.

It would be cruel, sick and cruel, to put Jaime Moreno here....although, come on, the end of the road has to come sometime. This probably would have been Tony Sanneh's award easy, if Arena didn't come to his senses just as the season started. But Claudio Suarez and his mini-Brett Favre nonsense is the clear winner. If you unretire and screw up your club, you'd better actually be healthy and ready to play. Even Favre knew that.

Worst XI
Josh Wicks, Galaxy Old Boys
Bakary Soumare, Boulogne
Alfredo Pacheco, FAS
Nick Garcia, Expansion Draft
Cory Gibbs, Expansion Draft
Sacha Kljestan, Celtic
David Beckham, AC Milan
Justin Mapp, Chicago Fire Reserves
Bobby Convey, San Jose Frogs
Luis Angel Landin, Jenny Craig
Kenny Cooper, 1860 Munich

Edsel Least Valuable Player
SECOND RUNNER-UP: Before Kenny Cooper...after Kenny Cooper....just saying.

FIRST RUNNER-UP:
Bobby Convey stands down and out even among the Quake retreads, and Soumare did leave the league in hilarious fashion. But the Battle Spider - oh, my God, that last game against RSL, with everything on the line - the perfect end to the perfect season. Colorado has bigger problems than Cory Gibbs, but not many.

WINNER:
Paid millions of dollars out of pocket to show up late and challenge fans to fight. Doesn't even draw fans or sell jerseys anymore, at least not Galaxy fans or Galaxy jerseys. Sneered at Grant Wahl for writing a book about him, when it could and should have been called David Beckham Is a ********ing Cancer. Will be wrongly credited for the Galaxy getting this far, God help us if LA wins MLS Cup.

Or if England wins. Jesus, it never stops. *Kinison scream*