DC Undressed

Dear DC United,

I thought you weren't supposed to handle balls in the penalty area HA HA HA HA OH GOD THE COMEDY it burns

Boy, I'm really glad you guys got a chance to do that picture. Remember when Brian McBride and Cobi Jones did the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? Remember those fashion shoots the Nats did - boy, I sure hope they do another one next summer! The mainstream attention those pictures give to MLS is literally priceless. Every time a casual fan sees one of those pictures, they become a diehard soccer supporter.

I'm sure there was some naysayer there, though. Someone who didn't believe it would help. Someone saying, "How is this supposed to get someone to watch soccer?" Or "If you're this desperate for attention, why don't you marry a Kardashian?" Or "Don't you realize you will one day very soon look back on this and cringe?" Or "You're actually not famous enough to get individual notoreity from this." Or "This could be the straw that kills any chance for a stadium in DC." Or "YOU'RE GROWN MEN HOLDING YOUR DICKS IN PUBLIC! WHAT THE ******** IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!"

But here we are today, and everyone's talking about what a roaring success it was. MLS is guaranteed to last forever now. Now, when you travel up and down this great country, and all around this big wide world, spreading the gospel of soccer, you can look at the crowds cheering and think to yourself, "These people know what my taint looks like."

No stadium, no playoffs, no dignity. The flagship's a regular Edmund Fitzgerald right now.