The Beckham Excrement

Hang yourself, brave Crillon! We fought at Arques, and you were not there!
- Henri IV

I should have been there, but I wasn't. I apologize to all of you. I had absolutely no inkling anything important would happen. I know the people involved, and oh my but do I have opinions on the matter, many of which I will shove down your unwilling gullets.

But I should have been there.

Well, I mean, not as a human being and a father, but as a fan. Objectively, no, I was better off doing what I was doing. But what I was actually doing is even more insanely uninteresting to You the Reader than what I actually do churn out here, so I did You the Reader a serious-ass disservice by shunning what I thought was a cynical AEG money-grab.

So while I have a perspective, I do not have an eyewitness perspective. I trust implicitly those who do...but You the Reader have no reason to, and that's assuming You the Reader trust me implicitly, which, well, let's face it. I thought the US would lose to Egypt, didn't I?

Basically, and it breaks my heart in so many ways to say this...on this topic, your opinion is as valid as mine.

Well, okay, still have to agree with me for your opinion to be valid. But you're working with the same facts I am, more or less, and I didn't want you to assume otherwise.

The other thing I want/need to say is, your fan group is awesome. It is. Whatever it is. Well, your American fan group, or your Canadian fan group. It rules, rocks and reigns, and that's because you guys are helping to forge a culture and build a tradition instead of just following on what previous generations built for you.

So when I talk about the fan group I happen to belong to...but was shamefully absent from when it mattered, blast the fates...this isn't me trying to negatively impact your fan group. I'm bursting with pride for my fan group, but I would have been just as proud of yours if you had done something equally wonderful, and you would have.

(Or, depending on your point of view, something equally horrible. Just to let you know where this is going, if you DO think what the LA supporters section did to David Beckham was horrible, you're in the wrong damned place and have been for a while. Back button's to your upper left. Leave. Git. Scram. Not interested. No sale.)

I think Beckham has become a Scientologist. The divorcement from reality, the insistence on creating his own narrative, the unwillingness to accept consequences - it would explain how his Galaxy career has become world soccer's equivalent of "Battlefield: Earth."

One thing that's a matter of opinion, that I will in fact tolerate opposition towards. So WHAT if he had two assists? How many players actually cared for Milan? I'm going to put the over-under at zero. Landon Donovan cared, but he made his point with the assist. Bryan Jordan cared, but he's only got one gear, and that's "damn the torpedoes." Beckham wanted to impress his jet-lagged friends, and because of that we're treating a Route One to Donovan, and a hospital ball corner to Jordan, as if he was a real player?

If he's so great? Put him on your fantasy team. I DARE you.


Remember that Adidas magic marker commercial? Where Stick Figure Beckham was being all emo about England booing him, but he persevered and won back their affections?

MAN, I want to see the update of that. I can just picture Stick Figure Beckham trying to jump over the stick figure ad boards.

Oh, by the way, Dave - the Riot Squad handled those ad boards with ease in 2005, getting on to the Pizza Hut Park field. You looked like you were trying to hump the thing. If you'd like, I know a trainer in Pasadena that can help you with that Chris Farley-esque vertical leap you got going.


As always, you can't spell "Absolute monarch of vapid, slacking douchebags" without "David Beckham."

Okay, in all seriousness. AEG brought this on themselves, what with Tim Leiweke boasting about how he forced Milan to travel halfway around the world to pay for last season's Beckham rental. They strong-armed famous, beloved players into a situation none of them wanted. It was going to go bad somehow. Fortunately, it went bad hilariously.

Forget the guy who jumped onto the field. Beckham's mental state is misfiring to such a degree that he thought challenging home fans was a smart move. If it didn't happen last night, it was going to happen eventually. He would have called out some fan, somewhere. He would have called out a booing Galaxy fan eventually.

He's not going to get any more sane as he travels our continent in indentured servitude, focusing on the five percent (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!) of the fans who dislike him, either.

And MLS has to keep trotting him out, because those who aren't paying to see the image are now paying to see the train wreck.

I think MLS should embrace it. The Galaxy are a travelling circus, but Beckham isn't the strong man or the lion tamer anymore. He's the clown in the dunk tank. MLS should encourage fans to come out to the park and boo him to the skies. And you can't tell me that Brand Beckham can't make the adjustment. If they can make money of Paula Abdul's emotional instability for eight years, they can exploit Beckham in America for another few months.

"David Beckham is coming to town! Will YOU be the one who makes him snap like a dry twig?" Marketing gold.

Let's look at the record, after all, and I've mentioned this elsewhere. Chelsea couldn't do it. Liverpool couldn't do it. Arsenal couldn't do it. Barcelona couldn't do it. Inter couldn't do it. Fans across England, Spain, Germany and Italy couldn't.

But MLS fans could. They broke David Beckham. Years and years, millions of dollars of carefully crafted image-making, brought down like Saddam's statue. By a few fans of a team that didn't exist when he started his playing career.

Now who's a real soccer country?

And we're talking about PUNISHING this fan? They'd have a parade for him in Turkey. They'd put a statue of him up in Argentina. He should run for mayor. (Well, okay, I know him, and no, he shouldn't. But it's the thought that counts.)


In any case, a man who played in three World Cups, won the European Cup, won the Premiership, can't even face down the LA Riot Squad.

Explain to me why England still wants him. Can you imagine what might happen in a game where he goes in knowing his legacy might be at stake?

Obviously, for comedy purposes, I hope England keeps giving him chances. Because we all know he hasn't touched bottom. He hasn't seen the bottom. Wait until something he actually cares about goes bad on him.


So yeah, despite the allegedly impressive result of the meaningless friendly, the Galaxy are in terrible trouble. They can't trust the mental state of their former captain, and they have to start him every game. Their winning streak was soap-bubble solid to begin with, and athletes who don't even want to change their damn socks during a winning streak won't cope well with the circus coming back to town.

The upside is, well, the Galaxy won't have him leeching off the salary cap next year. He's not coming back after this season ends, and not one moment too soon. That's a lot better for Galaxy fans who actually would like to see the occasional trophy make its way back into the case.

"But Dan! He said he was committed to the Galaxy!"

"Well, I guess that makes him a liar, now, don't it?"
- Beatrix Kiddo

Oh, yes, the soccer press.

Even Deadspin has noticed US press blowing this, and UK press getting it right.

So here's a special musical dedication to those of you in the media trying to protect Beckham from Beckham. Jim Watson, I hope you're listening.

By their own words
They shall be exposed
They got a solid case of the Emperor's new clothes.

- Sinead O'Connor

Suck my nuts, bitch! ******** YOU!
- Insane Clown Posse

Better get to work on that postscript, Grant.