Well, I watched my favorite teams douche it up all day today. They got the results they needed, but still, they were pretty douchey.
May I elaborate? Thank you.
I can only imagine how US Men's News & Analysis reacted to the Haiti douche job. I guess I should be happy for Stuart Holden, but mostly I'm sad for Jimmy Conrad. I'm sure there will be bar fights for months to come over which of our back line today was the single worst, but Conrad came out of nowhere (by international standards) and played fantastically in the last World Cup. He's also a fan favorite, for reasons long documented here and elsewhere. I don't think anyone's happy that he played himself off the World Cup roster today.
Jay Heaps had the game I thought Quaranta would have in DC. Wave to the home crowd, Jay, now go home. I'm a little more surprised that Parkhurst would douche it up, and it's not his home crowd anymore, but same deal. Say hi to Danny Califf in Scandinavia. I assume Brad Evans can be saved, but apparently that's going to be a story for the 2014 cycle.
The Gold Cup is probably going to go down in history as the tournament that finally made Dallas go club over country forever. Kenny Cooper has been no help, and the big stars of the tournament so far are Holden and Brian Ching. And Ching's goal against Honduras - well, it's nice that he's mastered the bank off the defender's shoulder trick, but is that really going to work against teams that aren't douching it up out there?
I don't want to take anything away from Haiti. When I'm trashing us for playing gutless and nutless, I'm not saying Haiti didn't deserve a result. They played hard and deserved a win. And has anyone pointed out that the second goal was Mones Chery amour? No one with any pride? Okay.
As far as the SuperClasico, or should I say SuperDouchico, I'm glad we've learned our lesson about focusing on people who aren't playing in the game, because nothing makes it look more like Major League Douching than spending the whole match looking at one guy who's retired and one guy who would rather be literally anywhere in the world. I'd be more upset about it, except the Galaxy and the Future Relocated Franchise douched it up so thoroughly that I can't even get upset with Zidane for blowing it off and leaving early. I don't know what Beckham and Leiweke were chatting about towards the end, but for the love of God I hope it involved selling him to Real Madrid. Like, today. Or after the Barcelona friendly.
Or selling him to Chivas USA. Seriously, why not? Nothing else is going to move CUSA down from a 500 on the Ex-Lax Scale (meaning the average fan would have to eat 500 packages of Ex-Lax before giving a crap). They can't even get Bozo Bautista away from Sub-Commander Marcos, if I can believe DuNord. And oh by the way? CUSA really stinks. You read it here first, and, unforgivably, nowhere else. A country full of soccer writers watching games week in and week out, and it never blipped on anyone's radar that CUSA is all hair and no shaft?
I mean, the rest of the country sure pounced on Sacha Kljestan once they got a good look at him. Now here, everyone else was right a lot earlier than I was. I was badly misled by last season, where he was...what's the word I want...trying. He came back from South Africa as American soccer's Lord High King Douchebag, but I honestly wasn't ready to bury him. I was waiting for him to reassert his status as one of the stars as MLS, and remind people of the talent that put him in the starting lineup for the United States to begin with.
An hour of pure douching later, Kljestan's career has bottomed out - at least, Jesus, I hope it has. I don't know how it gets much worse for him. Well, no one can buy him in August, and based on the performances he's given since January, who would? The lesson here is once you start douching it up, it's tough to undouche.
And don't get me started on the Galaxy, now your hottest team in MLS. They're unwatchable douchebags, and if anything have gotten more so during their winning streak. Three teams in a row couldn't break down a bunker featuring a back line of two freaking rookies. I guess Gonzalez and De La Garza are on their way to Oneonta twenty years from now or so, because the rest of the league are making them look like Baresi and Maldini. (That was a nice assist from AJDLG, sure, but it wasn't like there was a CUSA defender within transporter range.)
So the Galaxy are just going to keep doing it until they lose...which will be in New Jersey against one of the worst MLS teams ever fielded. That will be only the beginning of what will be a laughingstock Galaxy finish for the ages.
And I'm sure you've all heard about this - that is, unless your only source of news was Fox Soccer Channel's coverage of the LA-CUSA game. Max? Chris? Todd? There's an elephant in the room you might wanna look at.
And now everyone's getting on Donovan's case for being a douche for not talking to him. Maybe he should have thrown a boot at his head.
Well, you know what I didn't read there? A denial. There's a difference between "Not once have I been criticized for my professionalism" and "I was playing to my full capabilities last year in Los Angeles," and I tend to think Beckham said the former because the latter was so clearly untrue.
So Landon Donovan didn't treat the multi-millionaire with proper deference. So Landon didn't follow the correct protocol in calling out the lazy douche dogging it game after game. Had said douchebag not douched it up in the first place, the question of Donovan's behavior doesn't come up, now, does it?
By the way, what was Sir Alex shoe-tossing, if not perhaps a critique of Mr. Beckham's professionalism? A friendly game of boot-catch gone horribly awry?
And after he kicked Simeone at the World Cup in 1998, didn't the entire English nation have a word or two about Mr. Beckham's professionalism?
Seriously, just because Beckham has the attention span of a goldfish doesn't mean we have to play along.
But apparently Donovan and Arena and the fans will be asked to channel the protagonist from "Memento." Fine - the MLS spin cycle is more than capable of hiding the obvious when it has to. But it won't save the Galaxy this year. It won't come close. Beckham's first and only mission is to somehow douche his way into another World Cup, and that means for God's sake not damaging himself. Breaking a sweat in MLS could potentially cost him millions. He has no incentive to try, there is no upside in trying, and he's already paid out a considerable amount of money not to be asked to try at all after the end of October. But he's going to bust his ass before then? Not a chance.
But he doesn't have to be a douche about it. Beckham's statement proves, like true spoiled royalty, that he has learned nothing and forgotten nothing. He wants to be treated like a professional without being one. That's serious douchery.
...so I've glanced over this post, and I've noticed I've tended to use variations on the word "douche" a lot. I was concerned about this. However, when confronted with the US performance, the Galaxy-CUSA game, and the latest chapter in The Beckham Excrement, the best defense I have for my childishly monotonous vocabulary is the Zenger Defense. Today's events, my friends, were douchery. Like that famous painting George Douchington crossing the Doucheaware to win the Battle of Doucheton the day after Douchemas. If the Beatles had instead called themselves the Doucheles, and every word in all of their songs were replaced with the word "douche," that would perhaps give some small semblance of a hint of the douchebaggery we endured today.
EDIT - crap, now that I read it again, I didn't change the last joke enough to avoid plagiarism. The first Red Dwarf book's joke was about changing every word in the British Library to the word "dull." I thought I'd put enough spin on it, but in the cold light of day, I see that I acted like a...oh, what's the word....