Wait, I thought Giuseppe Rossi wanted to play for a good team.
BRADLEY UNBOUND - a one-act play
"God exists, and he's American."
- The Watchmen
(SCENE - HEAVEN - EXT)
JEHOVAH: That's it! I'm interfering!
GABRIEL: For this? You're not curing cancer? You're not going to make deserts bloom? You're not going to stop wars?
JEHOVAH: Listen, Gabe. I'm a New Jersey guy, through and through. I gotta do this for Bob - he's a mensch. And he's proud of his kid - I can relate.
GABRIEL: Against stupidity, even the gods contend in vain.
JEHOVAH: Hey, Allah! Hey! How's three-nil taste? Yeah! Suck on that, moon pie!
People who say "I told you so" are generally incorrect a lot of the time. That's why they seize on those moments - to validate a worldview that experience usually proves incorrect and misguided.
....see, I told you the Confederations Cup was important.
Retroactive liveblog of the Egypt game:
Pregame show: Good. Don't waste our time with pretending the US can make it to the second round, because they can't. Don't insult our intelligence. We suck.
45:00: I see Sunil's check to Italy cleared.
72:00: Oh, my God. I wonder how we're going to blow this.
90:00: Well, the US Men's News & Analysis forum has just exploded.
And, once more, I find myself wishing that I had made the South Africa trip. In the euphoria and shock and amazement at the single most improbable day in US soccer history, not excluding 1950 and 2002, I wanted more than anything to go into the locker room, see the players who accomplished and lived through this amazing day, and say:
GOD DAMN IT! You're just a bunch of god-damned WISEASSES, aren't you? All you ass-grabbers had to do was show one-FORTIETH of that against Costa Freaking Rica, and no one cares about this damned tournament at all!
Let me guess what you're going to tell the press. "Oooh, no one believed in us. Oooh, we had faith when no one else thought we could do it. Oooh, the only people who supported us were us, and we don't care what critics think."
OF COURSE no one believed in you, you titmice! You've stunk up two continents in two weeks! And then you FINALLY decide to show up to work for a change, and now it's our fault for having watched your previous games and drawn obvious conclusions?
You did it on PURPOSE, didn't you? You got together and said, "Let's just fool everyone. Let's give Jamie Trecker and Grahame Jones and all the other loudmouths a couple of days to be kings of the world. Let's make Gulati sweat. Let's really get the fan base motivated. If we jerk them around enough now, they'll be berserk by the time the Azteca game rolls around. Besides, ESPN wants us to make it interesting."
Well, you can't fool me. I saw how you played after Dempsey scored. I swear to God, even the plastic horns were drowned out by the "fwump" of your sphincters tightening simultaneously. Seventy beautiful minutes of great soccer, and then full retreat. You know a big part of the reason they didn't score before then? They were never in your penalty area!
"Wow, playing according to the gameplan is working fantastically! Now, let's put ten men behind the ball for twenty, twenty-five long-ass minutes, and hope for the best! Go team! Big kicks, Brad!"
Didn't you realize how helpful goal number four would have been? Not only were you relying on Egypt being even more nervous than you were, you were hoping that Italy didn't decide to score a consolation goal. Or that the Oceania ref didn't decide to call a phantom penalty on the entirely understandable grounds that the whole world was sick of this nonsense and would rather see Egypt play Spain than you clowns. How many hundreds of collective caps do you guys have? And you STILL put your faith in other teams and officials when it really counts?
And what the hell kind of sub was Conor Casey? Is Egypt the Galaxy? Does Egypt LOOK like the Galaxy? No. So why put Conor Casey in?
TO PISS OFF YOUR FANS, that's why.
I hate you, United States Men's National Team. I've always hated you. I will hate you as long as I live. I'd rather watch the 1998 team play in 1994 jerseys, that's how much I hate you.
I wouldn't have said this to the team in the post-game locker room - it would have been rude - but Spain will obliterate us. All we can ask is for a strong showing. We don't have to win, but we have to look better than we did against Brazil.
The next scheduled game is - let's see - some CONCACAF minnow. We're on the road, though, so that might be a challenge.
We have competition for backline spots now, which is a lot better than hoping Frankie Hejduk gets well, and giving him an automatic spot. I love Frankie too, but c'mon. I'm pretty sure Michael Bradley and Clint Dempsey have earned reprieves. Jozy needs...okay, let's say there's a soccer team that instead of playing every so often, like a national team, they play, like, every week or so? In, I don't know, let's call it a "league"? And then Jozy could get "time" "playing" soccer. I think it would do him a world of good.
Landon - Landon, Landon, Landon. Thanks for finally making me look good about my Mt. Rushmore pick. I know it's not possible to play like that every week. People who ask you to are unreasonable. But...y'know, just for the next couple of years, wearing a US jersey. That's all.