See how I did that?
After all these years of hanging around BigSoccer, I've learned the formal and correct form for demanding that the myopic imbecile running the USMNT (doesn't matter who it is) bring some guy you like into the national side.
The key is to capitalize "now" and add numerous exclamation points. The more the better, but like curry powder in your food the exact amount is a matter of personal taste.
Today, via the ever-vigilant IVES GALARCEP (if you miss a day you've missed a lot as they say) comes notice that mercurial Schalke 04 midfielder Jermaine Jones, at the advanced age of 27, has given up on waiting for a phone call from Germany and is tossing in with the US.
Jones was a German age group starter, has been capped three times by the full side in friendlies and is a popular, flashy player with an attitude and a mouth that sometimes gets him into trouble (In reference to jeering fans he once declared "It doesn't make any f******g difference at the end of the day").
As the Captain of the Eintract Frankfurt squad he chose the official fan bulletin board to announce that he wanted to leave the side. Three months before the end of the season.
And then of course there was the time when the guy from Sport-BILD asked him if there were gay players in 1Bundesliga; Jones replied: "Hopefully not".
Be all that as it may, like Thomas Dooley before him his father was a US serviceman. The old man abandoned his mother and as a result Jones has always refused on principle to even consider playing for the US.
In response to the announcement, a rather snotty sounding Oliver Bierhoff told reporters ".. we have always emphasized that anybody who wears the DFB colours must identify with the national team and Germany.If a player does not see things this way, then that is his decision."
Well gee, Ollie, the guy "identified" with your team for years and you haven't called him in. The problem isn't that he turned his back on you, it's that you turned your back on him. He's 27 for Pete's sake.
The reason this switch is possible is of course because FIFA just last week changed the rule which MADE A PLAYER DECLARE BY AGE 21 for his national side.
I've read a number of criticisms of this change by people complaining that it allows countries to pick up otherwise unconnected players - Brazilians are all the rage - who can't quite break into their national side but are plenty good enough for someone else's.
This is a particular bone of contention for FIFA Grandee Sepp Blatter, who just last year commented that if something wasn't done the World Cup would soon be contested by nothing but Brazilians. And of course there's the continuing scandal about Persian Gulf states, who have established "academies" for teenage African players who, if they show promise, can be quickly issued a passport.
But to claim that this rule benefits nation shoppers and Oil Sheiks misses the point, which is that there are a lot of players with dual citizenship which includes one struggling, second-or-third-tier country and one international powerhouse.
At age 21, most players believe they're of course going to get called up by the German or French or English side and be a part of a World Cup contender. Not to mention those guys pay better than Botswana.
So the powerhouse team strings them along, keeping their pool as large as possible, until they run out of options. Then, when it becomes apparent that they're not going to get the call, they're too old to switch.
Of course the deal with Dooley was something different, almost spooky:
He was a star in Germany and had been called up for full internationals three different times and each time he had suddenly suffered an injury.
Then one day he got a call from the US, whose player development program at the time consisted mostly of trolling Europe for players fathered by wayward US servicemen (see: Mason, Michael). (Well, OK, also see Stewart, Earnie).
His wife told him that obviously he wasn't meant to play for Germany, so he declared for the US and played a key, even crucial role in USA '94.
Now of course as Ives rightly points out, defensive midfielder is just about the last place we need help. (If he was a left back we'd all be drunk today).
But this is a quality player who is also - perhaps just as importantly - a colorful, exciting fan favorite, with striking good looks and speed to burn. Just the kind of guy some people would say we need to give the US roster, notable mostly for its assortment of bland, white bread flair-free players.
We'll leave for another time the question of whether this means we're in pretty much in league, soccer-wise, with all those third world countries who sit outside Europe's door begging for their leftovers.
So let's not waste time here; allow me to be the first guy, (if they haven't already jumped on this over at the U.S. Men forum ("click here for women"): wake up, Bradley, and bring this guy in.
Remember you heard it here first. Or not.