Dave Bigalow, European Gigolo

Well, here it is, Tuesday morning. What can I talk about today. There's the US Open Cup, there was the WPS weekend - but, I want to be sure I don't miss anything, so I'll just wander over to MLSnet.com and see what the lead story is OH YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME

I swear to God, they do this crap just to annoy me. They sit there in New York, and think, "What will irritate Dan? How can we ruin his day? What will really set him off? I want four proposals on my desk by noon."

I understood Part One, I really did. For those of you unfamiliar with American politics - after the presidential primaries, the nominee picks a vice-presidential running mate who invariably two weeks before was denouncing the nominee as a threat to democracy, capitalism and virginity. They embrace at the convention with BIG smiles, like long-lost friends - anything short of Stephen Boyd hugging Charlton Heston in "Ben-Hur." And then there are a couple of interviews where the running mate says he had a heart-to-heart talk with the nominee and, having gotten to know his good qualities, no longer believes that he is the love child of Huey Newton and Hitler, and anyway the media exaggerated those reports anyway.

So with David Beckham. "MLS? This stuff kicks." Bam. Done.

Why draw out the agony? Let's say you're Al Pacino, and you just made, I don't know, "Simone" or something. And you know what you just spent the last few weeks doing. You're an intelligent guy. You've spent your entire life in movies. You know when you've been in something that was half-dog, half-abortion. And now it's time to go out and promote it. So what do you do? You go out and promote it. You're a pro. You know perfectly well no one's going to want to see this. But there's nothing you can do about it now, not without making a huge stink that's more trouble than it's worth. Just talk to Conan, talk to Dave, talk to whichever Jimmy, do the satellite interview with "Good Morning Sault Ste. Marie," and enjoy the house you just bought.

You know what doesn't happen in that situation? "The Z-Rock Morning Zoo With Skippy and Frank" doesn't keep Al Pacino on the air for a freaking HOUR making him answer questions about the horrible movie he just made. "Al, what was your favorite part of making 88 Minutes?" "Bob, how do you think your portrayal of Fearless Leader will be remembered?" "Mr. Welles, how does Paul Masson wine stack up against the legendary vintages of the Bordeaux region?"

For one thing, like Al and Bob and the late Mr. Welles would stick around that long. They'd have the wit to pretend they just got a very important phone call, or they're going under a bridge, or something. Beckham just sat there and took it.

Then it hit me, like a diamond bullet to the brain. This was to annoy someone. This was to irritate and torment someone. But it wasn't me MLS was after. It was David Beckham.

It's possible that just off camera, Kyle Martino brought along hired goons. But about the time Kyle asked him if he was looking forward to going to back to Giants Stadium for the New York game, you realize that Martino wasn't interviewing. He was waterboarding.

Yeah, Beckham can't wait to go back. Every fiber of his being, from his sunken eyes, to his smile masking a plea for mercy, to the catch in his voice as he tries to remember whether they're called the Cosmos or something, to the beaten, defeated posture of a broken man caught and brought back to jail, tells me he can't wait to come back to all of us great fans and help American soccer.

Last week I thought Kyle Martino was a shill. I am horrified at how wrong I was. I appreciate sadistic irony more than most, but Kyle just kept pouring it on. Either he, or whoever wrote the questions, deserves a "Shabash!" from Torquemada in hell. It was a deceptively simple task - "What would you ask someone who actually cared about playing in MLS?" - carried out relentlessly.

And then Kyle asked about playing against Milan, instead of for them.

Oh, no. Kyle wasn't done. Not by a long, curvy shot in the upper 90.

Wait, that sounds familiar. Where have I heard that before....oh, right, I remember.

Kyle Martino is cold. Kyle Martino would ask Mary Todd Lincoln about her favorite theater experiences. Kyle Martino would say "billy goat" to a troll. I'd rather turn my back on Dema Kovalenko with the ball at my feet than face Kyle Martino with a microphone.

Is there a part three to this interview? Or is Amnesty International still trying to get it released to the public?