Don't you ever again lie to me like I'm Montel Williams!

This is going to be venting about topics that even close, close friends of mine are sick of me talking about. Can't apologize enough. It's even worse that this isn't the last time I'm going to talk about these particular issues, either. And, I'm doing this on a day the US is playing a qualifier.

Totally unforgiveable. I'm a bad blogger and a bad person. As a small gesture of apology, here's an Akee, Wise & Essence cartoon.

…hey, SPEAKING of Five Percent Nation!

Topic one: Kyle Martino probably wasn't even in the same room as David Beckham, you know.

Documentaries and news shows, up to and including 60 Minutes, do this all the time. They film the interview, then after they film the questioner – if it was even the main reporter doing the questions - looking all serene and thoughtful. What, you think MLS brought two cameras from New York to freaking Milan?

For those of you who don’t want to watch the whole thing – AND YOU DON’T – allow me to summarize.

KM: Hi everyone. Kyle Martino. I’m going to call the company that has signed my paycheck for my entire adult life “The MLS,” for no other reason than to annoy Dan.

DB: Cool beans.

KM: David Beckham! Totally in this very room with me at the same time I am! How’s it hanging?

DB: Like a Greg Maddux fastball. Low, strong, and right where I want it.

KM: Roger that. Would you like us to forget you ever said you wanted to stay in Milan permanently, and never come back to MLS?

DB: Yeah. Since I’m going to be telling some pretty obvious, provable lies, I’m going to lapse into a soporific monotone. That’s cool with you?

KM: What, like I’m not reading from a script. What now does it mean for David Beckham to go back to the Galaxy and back to the MLS? [Actual question.]

DB: People have questioned me and questioned my commitment to MLS and the Galaxy and soccer in America. And I’ve always said I’m committed to being one, an ambassador for the MLS and soccer in America….Obviously I’m committed to the Galaxy….this is not me running away from soccer in America. This is me doing something I need to do to achieve certain goals with my country….Like I said, I’m fully committed in going back to the MLS….[Actual answer.]

KM: Can you believe I kept a straight face during that crap?

DB: I tune myself out a lot. Try it, it helps.

KM: So, what do you hope to do for the Galaxy on your return?

DB: The who again?

KM: The Galaxy.

DB: Oh, yeah! I’ve been watching their games. [No, really. That’s what he’s saying.]

KM: So what are some of your thoughts on how the Galaxy have performed?

DB: Homina homina homina….yeah, I haven’t seen a single game.

KM: Name two of your teammates.

DB: Oh, that’s easy, Ronaldinho and that Jesus guy.

KM: No, I meant, two Galaxy teammates.

DB: The who again?

KM: [another actual question] What would you like to say to the LA Galaxy fans about your return to the MLS?

DB: [actual answer] You know, I’ve said it a few times since I moved to Milan, because I know there was a little bit of upset with the fans, and with the loyal fans of the Galaxy. They’ve always been great to me, you know, they’ve always supported me, they’ve supported the team, even though we haven’t made the playoffs in the last couple of years, they’ve still supported me as a player and also supported the team as, you know, as a team. So I’m sure they realize by now the reasons why I had to go on this loan spell. And you know, everybody else in football realizes that, and I’m sure they do. Because they’re football fans. They watch games week in and week out. I’m sure they’ll be supporting me and the team when I go back. That’s not something that worries me at all.

KM: See you later, masturbator.

DB: After a while, pedophile.

So, were you at all curious as to how all that reconciled with this:

When I arrived, they told me that I was coming to Milan for publicity.

I have expressed my desire to stay at AC Milan now, and it's just down to Milan and Galaxy to come to an agreement….It's nothing against the MLS and the football over there because it's a game that will grow, but it will take quite a few years….I'm still confident that will happen eventually, but I want to have a chance of being involved in 2010 and I believe my best chance of doing so is to remain here.

At the moment, Milan is more important than money. I want to think about football before everything else. I said in a clear manner what I think, I want to stay at Milan because I’ve rediscovered myself as a football player….

I know it will be difficult to go back after everything that's happened….I've said I want to stay at Milan and I haven't changed my mind, but it's out of my hands.

You weren’t?

Are you curious as to how this rediscovered commitment to MLS - sorry, the MLS - stands once he becomes a free agent in November?

Were you wondering, if it was so vitally important for Beckham to go to Serie A to keep his England place, why he’s now willing to risk that place in order to play alongside Alan Gordon and against Jesse Marsch? Does Fabio Capello approve?

If you weren’t, don’t worry. Neither was Kyle Martino.

I’d held out hope that some team with more money than sense would have rescued us from seeing the guy disgrace the badge he’s responsible for – seriously, Manchester City, where ARE you? - but no dice. The fact that this silliness is on the MLS website – sorry, the the MLS website – means that we’ve always been at war with Eastasia. “It was only temporary. I wasn’t trying to screw over your team or your league. I hit you because I love you.”

Is it even worth pointing out again at this point that very very few fans had an issue with the loan spell? It was the attempt to break the contract altogether that was irritating – an attempt that, had it succeeded, would have badly hurt the league this year.

I’m very much afraid that Beckham is right – that Galaxy fans, MLS fans, and American soccer supporters will accept an apology that wasn’t actually made.

Well, in the words of Senator Wayne Morse, being in the minority never proves that you’re wrong.

Hey, speaking of apologies that weren’t actually made….

Topic two: this is the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life. This is worse than genocide. This is worse than “Phantom Menace.” This is worse than “My Pal Foot Foot.”

EDIT: More info here.

$2,800 for this already. One every minute. One every single minute of every single day of every single year. Jesus wept.

And that’s not even the disgusting thing. This is.

Hey, turns out, not so much.

In fairness, the petition is not (THEORETICALLY) run by Cohen, but by a fellow named Nick Iannone, who (assuming his existence) is blessed with a surplus of both time and chromosomes. The World Soccer Daily website links to this abortion, though, so I assume Cohen approves.

“Don’t give in to the Taliban. A portion of this fundraiser goes to support the Taliban.” I laugh because I’m too old to cry.