Detailed Analysis on the Performance of the United States National Team vs. El Salvador on March 28


...what was THAT?

Thank you. This has been "Detailed Analysis on the Performance of the United States National Team vs. El Salvador on March 28," copyright 2009 What Was THAT Enterprises, all rights reserved.

Only two upsides. One, Altidore and Hejduk ruining the hopes and dreams of every fan in that stadium who thought they were going to see the greatest, most wonderful upset in the history of CONCACAF World Cup qualifying. Admittedly, that's no small thing. Soccer is all about destroying people's will to live. The only reason El Salvador isn't one big Heaven's Gate compound right now is because Jose Henriquez cleared Ching's bike in the final moments.

Two - and other people have pointed this out - we're gonna hear a lot less about us beating Mexico in Azteca, at least until Wednesday night.

Re-living this game on the PBP thread is seriously making my stomach hurt. I'm only reading it again because I'm trying to see if anyone else thought Hejduk committed a penalty in between our goals. I think we should have lost 3-1.

It's possible that any sympathy for the Salvadorans to get gifted calls suffered a bad leg cramp and had to stop play for two minutes. (Best line about that strategy was They're dropping like people at a Benny Hinn preach.

I can't get too upset about ES time-wasting, because a non-trivial part of the reason El Salvador wasted time was because WE HAD OUR HEADS UP OUR ASSES AND HANDED THEM A TWO GOAL LEAD.

In any case, we deserved a point in the same way that Miami FC is "El Equipo de Las Americas." More like El Equipe de My Ass. The only thing I hate more in the entire world right now than Heath Pearce is Miami FC. I'm 100% god-damned serious. The current list is:

1. Miami FC
2. Heath Pearce
3. Osama Bin Laden

Both Kovalenko AND Beckham are off the medal podium. THAT'S how much this game pissed me off.

Okay, you know what, I'm writing this out of anger, and saying things I might later regret. After a little reflection between the last paragraph and this one, I've rethought my top three hate list.

1. Miami FC
2. Heath Pearce
3. Rafa Marquez

Much better.

Fine, then. What's more productive, me hating on Miami FC, or you screaming for Bob Bradley to be fired? For a change, I'm honestly trying to picture a scenario where Bradley gets fired in qualifying, and short of NOT qualifying, there's no precedent in US soccer.

Of course, there's no precedent for finishing fourth and still having a shot, either. So I can understand -

Wait, Sophia's on my lap, she wants to add something.

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...well. I think that sums it up nicely. Thanks, Sophia!