Sweet Mother of God! It's Worse Than We Thought!

Most of us like to think of Major League Soccer as a nice little league, certainly not among the best in the world - despite what that little prat Steven Cohen keeps claiming we think - but competitive enough on a good day to hang with the next tier of leagues.

But our beloved USA Professional First Division has just taken a serious bitchslapping from something called the International Federation of Football History & Statistics (IFFHS) who has a message for Major League Soccer:

You suck.

It's not just that we don't quite measure up to, say, England, France or Spain.

It's not that we fall a tad bit short of Mexico, Turkey or Greece.

It's not even that we can't reach the standards of Denmark, Russia or Scotland.

Oh no, it's much worse than that: according to the IFFHS, WE'RE SMELLING BUTT CHEESE from the rear ends of Zimbabwe, Libya and the Ivory Coast.

Albania is laughing at us. South Africa is kicking sand in our face. Angola is grabassing our girlfriend and daring us to do something about it.

We're not the 98 pound weakling here. Oh no. According to the experts at the highly esteemed IFFHS, we're, like, a 220 pound prom date, someone the other leagues would be humiliated to be seen in public with.

Forget worrying about the Superdraft this week: the league needs to put all their focus into figuring out how to keep from getting passed by Macedonia and Qatar.