Dirk Gently's Holistic Logo Reviews


Delegating interpretational duties

Like every goodthinking* soccer fan, I got a load of this:

and prepared a review along these lines:

THIS IS FIVE BILLION TIMES WORSE THAN THE HOLOCAUST

But I held back, and here's why. Hardcore soccer fans are not the target audience here. Tween girls, and their breadwinning parents, are going to be these teams' fans.

Much that I wish it were otherwise. Tell me that chants like "Can you hear the Freedom sing? I DON'T HEAR A ********ING THING" wouldn't contribute to a generation of well-rounded and assertive young women for 21st century America.

So I asked a couple of children, and their breadwinning parents, what they thought of the WPS logos.


The Boston Breakers' radically updated logo - the word "Breakers" was moved north an inch or so, no longer covering the soccer ball as it did in WUSA days - was received very well. None of the panel criticized it, one ranked it as her second favorite.


The youngest of the panel, when asked "If you had to pick a team to play for, which would you choose?", chose this. For once I agreed with the panel. The WUSA logo was suffering from severe devolution - a star with a ponytail? This logo would probably pass muster with even hardcore male fans, although the name probably still fails. Which is surprising, since it's just another word for nothing left to lose.


I had pages of rages for this one. It's SUCH a beautiful logo, and it's been given the second dumbest name in the history of humankind, right behind "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim." Might as well spray-paint "Grove 4 Life" on the Wailing Wall.** Was "Joan of Arc FC" THAT difficult? That's who that person IS, isn't it? Naturally, both wonderful logo and hideous name was met with "Meh" from the panel.


Panel and blogger also diverged here. Blogger loves this one. Panel didn't care one way or the other. Panel probably would have voted for Stinking Onions, come to think of it. Blogger voted for Stinking Onions, though, as blogger recalls. Neither panel nor blogger live in Chicago, so weren't good targets for the city flag reference, anyway.


I thought this one was going to get panned, and I was right. "Looks like an airline logo" was a pretty typical comment. I don't know what kind of clock the league is on, but so much misses the mark here - city colors of New York look wrong for a New Jersey team; the more you look at it the more you think "Maybe isn't supposed to be a bird?"; and maybe I'm just one of those prickly little nitpickers but that's NOT sky blue - that I'd be surprised if they didn't change it by Opening Day.


The locals weren't overwhelmed, although the ten year old liked the sun design. Which is cute. It's not Argentina's or Uruguay's sun face (which Wikipedia tells me is the "Sun of May," and I don't feel like arguing), which I think would have blown the panel away. Surprisingly few points for not making the "O" in Sol into a soccer ball.

The number one, runaway favorite...and you're probably way ahead of me on this...was the one with the cat.

Weep for the youth of the nation later. The soccer executives putting money into the project apparently know what they're doing, and the comedy blogger looking over their shoulder is way off. God help us if this becomes a trend.

*Remind me sometime to do a post entirely in Newspeak. I think it would be much, much more work than the comedy payoff could possibly justify it...so it's perfect for this blog.

**Tell me "Grand Theft Auto: Holy Land" wouldn't be the most epic game ever.