Lifestyles of the Rich and Poutyfaced

Welcome back to the BigSoccer edition of The Robb Report, where the playthings of the obscenely wealthy get rubbed in your face as a reminder of just what a complete and total failure your life truly is.

Today we'll take a look at the all-new Bombardier Lear 45, a smart little wagon designed to whisk you from continent to continent without having to wait for some bored looking gay guy to hand you a bag of peanuts:

Best of all, that guy in the seat next to you who smells like bad teeth? A distant memory:

So let's say, just to pick an example at random, that you've decided to take a short-term job in Italy but the little woman and the kids won't be coming along. If you have one of these puppies out at the airport, fueled up and ready to go, then it's a little like hopping into the Corolla for the trip out to that center hall Colonial that's now worth half of what it was six months ago.

NOW GRANTED YOU MAY NOT HAVE THE KIND OF PULL AT YOUR BANK to get one of these £7million gas guzzlers with a stroke of the pen, but then you're not David Beckham.

Apparently, Silvio Berlusconi's £10 million OFFER TO VICKY to "star" in a TV show notwithstanding, she intends to hang with her new LA galpals instead of hopping over to Italy to keep an eye on the hubby. Trust is a wonderful thing.

Meanwhile, here on Earth, MLS Commissioner Don Garber, who only makes about a million bucks a year and thus can't afford that Lear either, IS GETTING A LITTLE PISSED OFF at big mouth weasels like, oh for example, Steven "I TALK VERY LOUD" Cohen, who spent all last week SHOUTING INTO THE MICROPHONE about how Beckham "will never be back".

"He's gone" Steverino told us repeatedly during half-hour long tirades caling the man everything except a....well, you know. "This is the end of Beckham's vacation in America" he assured us. "I guarantee it". He went on and on, basing his LOUDLY STATED OPINION on nothing at all except his own supreme confidence in his own wonderfulness.

Well, Donny G says it ain't so.

“There’s been incredible noise....People don’t understand what’s going on here. He is not being transferred, and the stories that he is not going to come back are ridiculous.”

I don't know for sure what the deal will turn out to be - I doubt if anybody does, including DBecks himself - but anyone want to bet me that if he turns up in Galaxy camp next Spring that T-Shirt Steve will say "I was wrong"? Anybody?

Meanwhile, up in Canada, THE MEDIA IS TURNING ON MO JOHNSTON

Apparently they were able to stop cheering on the beer-throwing, obscenity-spewing, trash-hurling "great, great fans" in BEEMO long enough to notice that Mo spent all of 2008 scoruing the globe for players and came up dry.

"...one year after fielding the side with the least productive offense and most porous defense in MLS, Johnston returned in February with an even worse team."

That may be true of course, but TFC did manage to lead the league in one important category: Excuse making.

In case you missed it - and you probably did - Clark Hunt, his brother Daniel and Don Garber were all in attendance at the Crew-DC match on Sunday. Garber and Hunt were seen in a long, animated discussion.

Afterwards, in an extraordinary move, Hunt met with local reporters and announced that THE ONE OWNER, ONE TEAM CONCEPT, which has been the oft-stated goal of Major league Soccer, is no longer operative as Richard Nixon's people used to say.

AEG intends to keep "one-and-a-half" teams, and HSG intends to keep two. And contrary to voluminous speculation across the fruited internet plain, not only is the Crew not for sale to a Las Vegas group, but it's not for sale locally either.

It's just, flat, not for sale, and it isn't going anywhere "for 50 years" which is sort of a long time.

Now it may be that he got caught up in the emotion of the moment - even he admits that it was intoxicating - but Hunt isn't someone who shoots his mouth off.

If you had to bet, you'd want to go with the Crew being in Columbus for a long, long time.