We Don't Need no Stinking Relegation

Boy, I can hardly wait until MLS comes to their senses and institutes "promotion/relegation" so that the last weekend of the season has some excitement.

Even les taureaux rouges who, judging by Thursday's match, don't even WANT to be in the playoffs and have done everything possible to avoid them short of simply refusing to come out of the locker room, ended up having to keep playing anyway.

And then there were teams who would have been much better off if they had refused to even get off the bus.

I'm speaking of course of the New England Revolution, who - despite playing for literally nothing at all - managed to get two starters sent off before halftime AND score an own goal in an embarassing beat down at the hands of the back-from-the-dead Kansas City Wizards.

It's not just that the Revs are losing; what's disturbing is HOW they're losing. For example, it's almost like Khano Smith is, you know, STUPID OR SOMETHING. It's one thing when the wheels fall off, but it's another when you're just an imbecile.

Steve Nicol is an awfully good coach, but I don't know if even he can turn this bunch around.

KC vaulted into a first round series with the Crew by winning only their second road game of the entire 2008 season, while New England limped across the finish line riding the crest of a six game winless streak.

Meanwhile, in Colorado, Real Salt Lake won the coveted Rocky Mountain Cup, while out in Santa Clara, the...what? The playoffs? Oh, right, almost forgot:

The Stormin Mormons made it into the playoffs for the first time in team history on the basis of a 90th minute Yuri Movsisyan goal and the owners declared "Wives for everybody!" as Jason Kreis headed to Men's Wearhouse for more cheap suits.

This one was just gut busting for the Raps, who surely thought - like everyone else - that after they'd milked a Conor Casey goal for 70 long, nail-biting minutes that they were pretty much in the clear.

But it's not over until the fat lady bombs Pearl Harbor, and while you realy have to feel for Colorado's long-suffering fans - does anyone at all dislike the Rapids? - but Kreis has performed a minor miracle in Utah this summer, and you gotta feel good about it.

I can reliably report that there is absolutely no truth whatever to the rumor that John Carver is demanding that Toronto be allowed into the playoffs or else he'll "go home".

On the other hand, watching his side lay down and play dead for San Jose on Saturday was surely enough for Toronto fans to start raising the fare money.

Aside from Carl Robinson and Danny DIchio, this is, quite frankly, a crap side, and since the two of them are unilkely to be back next season, I hope Mo goes out and gets Carver the biggest, sleekest, fattest show pony of a DP that the quickly-collapsing Canadian dollar can buy so he can soak up roster dollars for a team that needs a top-to-bottom overhaul a lot more than it needs one big time player, no matter how good he is.

Which brings us to the Galaxy, who managed to show us both sides of their monumentally expensive coin on Sunday.

The offense was stellar, with Buddle scoring #15, Donovan scoring #20, Beckham serving up sublime in balls and the defense stinking up the place.

Unlike Steven "I Have an Accent" Cohen, who has been screaming that Beckham will never, ever, ever be seen in MLS again, I myself have no such knowledge.

What I do know is that making Edson Buddle look like a soccer player, while a monumental accomplishment, is ultimately meaningless on a team that avoided being the dead last in the league due only to a tiebreaker.

Which brings us to the five o'clock SUnday, last game of the regular season DC at Columbus match, a game which showed a whole lot about both sides.

DC came out hard, fought hard but had zero luck. Columbus came out reasonably hard for a team playing for nothing, played OK for a bunch of guys trying not to get hurt and won the game on a ridiculous strike by Brad Evans which put a merciful end to DC's suffering.

It almost seemed at times like those "soccer gods" that everyone is always prattling on about were having a huge laugh at DC's expense, but The District bravely soldiered on until finally Intern Khumalo missed a wide open goal from about six feet and it became painfully clear that it just wasn't meant to be.

Unbelieveable stuff all weekend long.