Well, Barros has pretty much sewn up the MVP, barring a couple of five-goal games from Landon to close out the regular season. Not much suspense left in the awards.
So, let's choose the worst players of the year.
(Is this too cheap? I mean, no one else is doing it. It seems such an obvious idea, too. Meh.)
Nominations are welcome. Unlike the real league awards, awards for suckage make sense in the sense of the regular season. But I'll rant about Dwayne De Rosario phoning in regular seasons then winning Cups for Houston in a future post.
AIG COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Ruud Gullit, Los Angeles
2. John Carver, Toronto
3. Tom Soehn, DC United
Despite John Carver's supreme efforts, the only suspense is whether we rename this the Ruud Gullit Trophy.
FANNIE MAE DEFENDER OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Abel Xavier, Los Angeles
2. Kevin Goldthwaite, New York
3. Greg Vanney, Los Angeles
4. Andrew Boyens, Toronto-New York
5. Duilio Davino, Dallas
6. Hunter Freeman, New York-Toronto
Looking outside the Galaxy for a winner here is sort of pointless. Even though the Galaxy kept losing after Xavier left.
FREDDIE MAC GOALKEEPER OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Steve Cronin, Los Angeles
2. Zach Wells, DC United
3. That Other Guy DC United Signed At The Start of the Year - not Louis Crayton
I actually almost put Wells up at number one. If Cronin had DC United's defense, he would have put up much better numbers. If Wells had been behind LA's defense, he would have...lost his job in midseason, pretty much like he did.
GOLDMAN SACHS EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Tim Leiweke, Los Angeles
2. Marc de Grandpre, Purple Drank
If I thought Alexi Lalas had been the boss, I would have nominated him.
HERBALIFE BRINGDOWN PLAYER OF THE YEAR
1. Luciano Emilio, DC United
2. Jonathan Bornstein, Chivas USA
3. Ryan Cochrane, San Jose
4. Dwayne De Rosario, Houston
5. Cuauhtemoc Blanco, Chicago
The opposite of the Comeback Player of the Year award - to the player who used to be great, but is now average, or worse. Okay, let's talk about De Rosario. What the hell has he done this year? Nothing. The Dynamo coasted on their squishy-soft schedule - and they still haven't even clinched the West! Hell, what did De Ro do to get on the Best XI last year? Nothing! Except, he turned it on for the playoffs, unlike, to pick an example at random, Luciano Emilio. And he's going to turn it on again this year, I know it! This annoys me to the point of exclamation points! And it shouldn't! It's not like Dynamo fans are complaining!
HACK OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Atiba Harris, Chivas USA
2. Herculez Gomez, Colorado/Kansas City
3. Sean Franklin, Los Angeles
4. Paulo Nagamura, Chivas USA
5. Gabriel Cichero, New York
6. Nick Garcia, San Jose
Herc didn't mean to do it, but you get red cards for being a clumsy liability as well as for deliberate incompetence. Besides, he took out Stone Cold Steve Ralston, one of the most beloved players in the league. Sean Franklin broke Jesse Marsch's jaw, which as a fan I approve of, but can't really condone. Franklin also seriously cheap-shotted Louis Crayton a few weeks ago. You will learn to hate this guy, non-Galaxy fans.
DIVER OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Juan Pietravallo, New York
2. Landon Donovan, Los Angeles
3. David Beckham, Los Angeles
4. Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Columbus
5. Carlos Ruiz, Toronto
Fish is pretty much an emeritus pick at this point. Although he's doing pretty well for the Phillies. (It's amazing how few people ask if I'm related to the guy on the Dodgers, by the way. It's almost as if they can tell just by looking at me that I'm not. Eerie.)
CRYSTAL PEPSI PLAGUE RAT OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Eduardo Dominguez, Los Angeles
2. Franco Neill, DC United
3. Laurent Robert, Toronto
4. Alvaro Pires, Los Angeles
5. Claudio Lopez, Kansas City
6. Tomasz Frankowski, Chicago
7. Gabriel Cichero, New York
The opposite of the Newcomer of the Year award. I didn't want to do an anti-Rookie of the Year award, because bad rookies usually get bad paychecks, and they don't need me to pile on. Besides, the truly bad rookies were cut in February, weren't they?
CHEVROLET AVEO LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER
1. Carlos Ruiz, Los Angeles/Toronto
2. Christian Gomez, Colorado
3. Jovan Kirovski, San Jose
4. Claudio Lopez, Kansas City
5. David Beckham, Los Angeles
The big one. I don't like putting injured guys on these lists, which is why you're not seeing much of Sikora, Wicky or Gallardo. I'll make an exception for Ruiz, though. He wasn't the sole reason Los Angeles and Toronto are the death ships they are today, but he sure helped.