My Afternoon With Steve

I've been mostly driving my wife's car for the last year or so. Long story, not worth bothering with.

So she had the car with SIRIUS radio (conversely, I had the one with the Escort x50 radar detector. That guy who almost ran you over when you were driving 70 was me.) and, as a result, I hadn't been subjected to that loudmouthed, ignorant poseur Steven Cohen for a while.

But not a long enough while.

So the other day I finally got my own car back - it smells like, I dunno, lilacs or France or something now - and tuned right in to SIRIUS 3 and, lo and behold, the first voice I heard was T-Shirt Steve's, shouting (like he always does - I'm not sure he gets the basic concept that people hear the show on little electronical boxes and he doesn't really need to yell loud enough in California so that everyone in Connecticut can hear him just by opening a window) about - well, it was either Frank Lampard or Steven Gerrard.

He seems to yell about them both a lot.

If you've never heard World Soccer Daily, and have a high tolerance for pomposity and loud, grating noises, you can try THIS LINK and click on BigSoccer Radio; I'm reliably informed that this site has had nothing whatever to do with Jerkwad Stevie for some time, but apparently nobody has mentioned it to him.

Or perhaps they've tried but he figured they were just callers, and they're not allowed to actually speak to him.

Usually it goes like this:

Hi Steve, love your show and I just want to say I KNOW, THAT WAS REALLY A DISGRACE, I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT HE WAS THINKING THERE WHAT AN IDIOT I MEAN SERIOUSLY FRANK LAMPARD STEVEN GERRARD CHELSEA, CHELSEA, CHELSEA

Um, yeah, and about that WHAT A BUFFOON, REALLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ACTUALLY RUNNING A FOOTBALL CLUB AFTER ALL THIS TIME IT'S LONG PAST TIME THEY STOPPED CALLING HIM INTO THE SIDE FRANK LAMPARD STEVEN GERRARD LANDON DONOVAN IS A DWARF

It goes on like this for a bit and then the caller is told they have to "move on", which means Steven is going to shout about something else for a couple minutes.

Anyway, so the topic of the day was the new Women's Professional Soccer.

Not surprisingly, Steven thinks it sucks.

Now some people would think the fact that they haven't actually played a game yet might be an impediment to forming an intelligent opinion on the thing, but that would only apply to lesser mortals.

Steve says he doesn't like ANY women's sports, except women's tennis, because they wear those "little skirts".

But the POINT, according to T-Shirt Boy, is that the WPS is no different than MLS, in his view.

See, he explains - and explains and explains and explains - he only likes the highest form of sport, the very, very best, and that's the EPL.

He says that "all these people" who are "constantly saying that MLS is the greatest league in the world" are just idiots, that in his highly valued opinion, based on two years of playing soccer on a US Army base, AND having a British accent, MLS isn't nearly that good and he refuses to watch anything but the very best soccer in the world.

Following so far?

So therefore, WPS sucks too, because there's no way it can ever be as good as the EPL, so therefore it's just like "all those people who think MLS is so great", they just have lower standards than he does and/or are simply stupid.

He then, out of nowhere, started in on a rant about what a has-been, useless piece of excrement David Beckham is - he does that sometimes, it's an affliction - and how "as the captain of the worst team in a third rate league" he ought to - well, he never really explains that part. Retire? Kill himself? Take up drinking full time?

We're left to guess.

Honestly, is this halfwitted piece of dog crap really the best America's broadcasters can come up with?

I mean, if FOX Sports doesn't care that the guy they put on the air every week hates MLS and WPS, two leagues they're heavily invested in, well, I do and I think a lot of other people do too.

Cohen exists to provide reinforcement to all the soccer snobs and mommy's-basement soccer fans who went to a soccer game in Europe once when their tour bus broke down and now consider themselves tres informed on all things footie.

If those people want someone to hold their hand and tell them that yes, they're far, far superior to fans of American soccer - like himself - that's fine.

But there are other people out here who enjoy the game for it's own sake, not because we think owning a Chelsea scarf is sophisticated.

We like college soccer, club soccer, USL, MLS, probably WPS, lots of stuff. We like the game, not the image.

I'm giving my wife the car back. I don't like lilacs anyway.