MLS Weekend

If you're planning on being a tube steak and whining like a 9 year old girl who has lost her Malibu Barbie in a trash compactor because you've logged into a soccer website in the hope that you will not see any reference to soccer games, please go back to LatexLesbianNuns.com now, because this is the first, last and only warning you're going to get that actual soccer will be mentioned.

So aside from the Golazo Bonanza in East Rutherford, there were lots of thrills and spills over the weekend and, surprisingly, almost no one's playoff scenario became much clearer.

In yesterday's game, Dallas laid an old fashioned beat down on The District, which hadn't lost to the Hoops since 2005.

Jeff Cunningham, who Dallas is still allowing to use the main locker room instead of changing in his car, rewarded Schellas Hyndman with his fifth goal in seven games since being chased out of Toronto, a team that couldn't score in a Bangkok brothel.

Kenny Cooper ended a mini-drought by hitting in stoppage time, making it 3-0 Dallas and cementing his spot as the leagues #2 goal bagger, in front of Edson Who.

The worst news for DC is that if the playoffs started today, they'd be cleaning out their lockers and setting up golf dates.

Q: So what happens when a team on a league-best nine game unbeaten streak plays host to the side with the worst road record in the league?

A: This being MLS, high flying San Jose was shot down like a Luftwaffe bomber over London by a Real Salt Lake team which refuses to play dead.

This despite a pair of goals by Darren Huckerby, who came into the league a little late for MVP consideration, but apparently nobody has bothered to tell him.

Astonishingly, this at least temporarily gives the Stormin' Mormons the eighth and final playoff spot while, despite all the hullabaloo, brouhaha and yadayadayada, the Quakes woke up this morning in a familiar place:

Last in the West.

Keeping the Josers out of last in the entire league is of course TFC, who kept their "haven't beaten anyone except the Rapids since last May" record intact on the strength of an abysmal, inconceivable own-goal by Hunter Freeman, giving Houston a draw they didn't deserve and giving "Whining John" Carver, who watched the game from the stands, another excuse to scream at his team.

Freeman hit the ball, but it's Sutton who screwed the pooch; what the hell was he doing:

And in New England, a Revolution side which desperately wanted to put some pressure on the Crew's march to the Supporter's Shield and first place in the east, instead dropped a 1 - 0 nailbiter to the Massive Bananas, who are now 2-0-1 in the three weeks since they sat down their best player for a bit of R&R.

Since tying one hand behind their back didn't seem to make much difference, next week he'll be joined in the stands by Frankie Hejduk and Sigi Schmid, both of whom picked up red cards in Foxboro.

The Revs, meanwhile, who would prefer a shot at les Taureax Rouges in the first round of the playoffs, will likely end up dealing with the wildly unpredictable Fire instead.

Meanwhile, in Carson, Sensei Preki is getting some guys back in the nick of time, with Hoodlum-in-Chief Jesse Marsch back from a well-earned broken jaw and Alex Zotinca finaly showing up for the first time all season after knee surgery.

They were joined by KC castoff (and now, officially, "journeyman") Sasha Victorine in a 2-1 victory over the hope-is-fading Wizards.

Of course, it wouldn't be a Cobra Kai game without someone limping off partway through, in this case Ante Razov. The prognosis is unknown.

For now though, incredibly, Chivas is not only in second place but actually needed the win to stay there.

And amazingly, as late as it is in the season, of the six teams at the bottom of the MLS standings, none is more than six points out of the last playoff spot.

Who says you need relegation to make the bottom of the league meaningful?