Hop on Flop; or, And to Think That I Saw It on Victoria Street

This morning when Timmy arrived at his job,
He was met by a furious torch-waving mob.
"You stuck us with Sampson! You gave us Alexi!
You hired that guy who thought football was sexy!
We're still in last place! The Galaxy stink!
Resign from your post! Yes, that's what we think!"
Tim raised his hands and said, "What can I do?
I'm mad as well, just as angry as you.
I went to the team and said, start playing better!
But the coach handed me a go-sex-yourself letter.
I did bring us Beckham, I did bring us Landon.
This lack of success wasn't something I planned on.
But I have the solution to keep us from reeking.
Take the old DP rule, and just give it a tweaking.
The salary cap is what's holding us back.
Free up some space and we'll soon be on track."

Just then spoke a man who arrived from Columbus
"Don't listen to him! He's just trying to numb us!
He'll cover his ass and he'll try to save face,
He just wants to change rules since he's stuck in last place!
He brought in Dominguez! He brought in Pires!
Why should we care what this idiot says?
We're not DC or Dallas, and we're not Kansas City.
To win, don't spend money on players who are ______.
Where I come from, our team has a motto,
Who needs a DP? We have Barros Schelotto!
You suck. And you're stuck. And you're ____ out of luck.
So go roll a donut, and take a flying ____."

But Timmy just shrugged and then quietly answered,
"This is Dr. Seuss cadence. Your lines have been censored.
As for you, fans, with your pitchforks and pickets,
We have two more home games, so you'd better buy tickets.
Our team is so bad, but we sell out each night.
Logically, then, I am doing things right."
And the crowd was left helpless and sad and frustrated
As they bought Beckham jerseys and then dissipated.
Timmy relaxed, he thought this was so funny.
He's not here to make friends.
He's just here to make money.

From my upcoming book, "Fatherhood - No One Has Ever Done This Before!"