So! The old Lose On A Catastrophic Level to Norway, Thus Ensuring They Advance After Two Games And Start Their Scrubs Against Japan So They Lose By A Significant Enough Margin That We Win The Group And Avoid Brazil trick!
Now that April Heinrichs has gotten the US to the next round, they will face....
Wait, I wrote April Heinrichs, when I should have written Pia Sundhage. What a mistake! I can't believe I confused the two of them! How could I have confused this United States national team with that under April Heinrichs? I wonder what I could have been thinking, confusing April Heinrichs and Pia Sundhage? Strange, that I should think they were similar in any way. What a silly mistake on my part. Derp derp derp.
After all, April's team won a gold medal.
So, Greg Ryan has gotten the US to the next round, and they will face Canada. I'm violating the commandment that Thou Shalt Not Compare Women and Men's National Teams, but I'm getting a pretty serious 2002 vibe from this. Two extremely serious CONCACAF rivals meeting in the quarterfinals. Problem is, this time, we're Mexico.
Okay, that's not fair. Mexico was convincing in winning their group in 2002.
"Uninspiring rout" was what Du Nord reader Adam called it. I like that phrase. I plan to steal it, just as soon as any team I support starts winning again. The US used to only have four opponents: Norway, Sweden, China, and Target Practice. Then Germany got good, and Brazil got good. China withered and died when Sun Wen retired, and history is gearing up to say the same thing with us vis-a-vis Mia Hamm, only history will probably use "vis-a-vis" correctly.
Meanwhile, Canada has been DYING for this. It's been a great regional rivalry, but one-sided. Canada hasn't beaten the United States since placeholder while I look it up. 2001?!interrobang?! That can't be right. More than a few of those games were blowouts, but a few were nail-biters...including the CONCACAF Olympic qualifying final.
More to the point, Canada has Lang and Sinclair, and the US has not adequately replaced Wambach. This will be a real test for the US, and the US hasn't been doing so well on tests recently.
I hate contrarian jagoff "fans" who predict losses just so they can cheer if their team wins, and have "I told you so" to fall back on if they lose. Canada, 3-1.
You know what, I should stop being so negative. It looks like both men's and women's teams will not only make it to the next round, but they will also win their respective groups! Can't wait to see the tape of the Nigeria game! Derp derp derp! USA! USA! USA!