Because it's vitally important to beat the living hell out of West Ham

See, there's a contest if you vote, and maybe I'll, I mean, I'm voting ironically. I'm still cool.

I've long been mystified as to why they even bother to count these - they should just pick the guys who (1) are having the best seasons, (2) are willing to show up, and/or (3) could use the bonus money from their contracts. I've also thought they should only pick single guys, because, well:

"Good news, honey! We're spending a weekend in Columbus!"
"I want a divorce."

(Yes, I know it's in Canada this year. Yay, passport hassles.)

GOALKEEPER (select one)
Kneejerk pick: Bouna Coundoul. Hey, look at how the Rapids have been doing without him.
Sensible pick: Matt Reis. He's nominated for an ESPY, you know.
Guy who actually has the best GAA in the league, still: Jon Busch
The All-Star Game sucks so let's inflict the worst possible team on MLS pick: Zach Wells, despite Steve Cronin, because there's no place to write in Tony Caig

DEFENDER (select up to three)
We're voting on a 3-5-2, and we're not allowed to put players out of position, either. More like Major League FASCISM.
Fanboy picks: Albright, Conrad and Hejduk, with apologies to Parkhurst
Comedy picks: Davino, Vanney and Xavier

MIDFIELDER (select up to five)
Where's Cobi? I can't find Cobi on this ballot.
Big money picks: Beckham, Schelotto, Blanco, Gallardo, Reyna (three and a half of these are good choices, by the way)
BigSoccer Rogues Gallery: Kovalenko, Saragosa, Nagamura, Franchino, Ricardo Clark (technically a hero, but still the longest-suspended player in league history) (and Santino Quaranta is, y'know, probably not cool to make jokes about it yet)
Who actually deserves to start but won't: Joseph, Kljestan, Rogers, Ralston, Edu

FORWARDS (select up to two)
Picks if you hate the Galaxy: Emilio, Cooper
Picks if you really hate the Galaxy: Ruiz, Gordon
Picks if you hate the All-Star Game: Altidore, Barrett
Picks you can't pick: Edson Buddle, Kheli Dube, Jorge Flores