Worst First-Place Team in the History of the World

Lemme just rant about the Galaxy before talking about Spain, because otherwise it'll end up "This could be a whole new era in world soccer, if not Spanish history, because GOD-DAMN GALAXY SONNY BONO PUT UP A BETTER FIGHT AGAINST THE TREE argh argh argh argh hate", and that's not productive soccer writing.

Prison rape is a very serious subject, and an ongoing blight on the American justice system. For generations our tacit acceptace of sexual assault by stronger prisoners on weaker ones has warped our sense of justice. It's not a topic for amusement, it's a source of shame. Unfortunately, the only other comparison for Sunday's game I can think of is "The Galaxy had the same look of helpless incomprehesion that Morgan Freeman had when the camera went on him during the presentation of 'March of the Penguins' winning Best Documentary Feature at the 2005 Academy Awards."

Oh, wait. The Galaxy looked about as good against DC United as the baby penguin did against the leopard seal in "March of the Penguins." Man, I KNEW "March of the Penguins" would give me a suitable metaphor if I thought about it enough. And it did! I feel much better about my favorite team getting all of its holes stapled shut on nationwide television now.

This was such a comprehensive beating that after a while you had to wonder whether DC United has genuinely turned it around. For one thing, DC missed a TON of chances. This could have been 8-1, very very easily. I realize a lot of the misses boiled down to Gallardo (or whomever) saying to himself, "I am playing against professional players, yet here is the net, seemingly big enough to catch Jonah's whale, and nary a defender in sight. Am I offside? It seems not. Am I in some sort of weird dream? But it seems so real. So vivid. Yet, shouldn't there be another team on the field? Perhaps I got the day wrong, and this is a practice. But why are there 30,000 fans here to watch us practice? Nothing about this makes sense. Nothing at all. Perhaps I should kick the ball as hard as I can, to see what happens", and that's not a useful frame of mind when taking a shot on an open net.

Or, the fault was that the Galaxy really are this bad, a proposition I have no trouble buying at all. They've reverted to the form they showed against Colorado opening week, and for the same reasons. (Right down to the astoundingly awful excuses. So, it doesn't get hot in LA now?) When the Galaxy lose control of the midfield, the quality offensive players are stranded, and the lack of talent on defense is totally exposed. At least Steve Cronin has improved - it would have taken Lev Yashin to keep the score respectable. My solution - convert Carlos Ruiz into a fullback - has so far fallen on deaf ears.

By the way, I can't believe that DC United would pander to ABC, and send out the guy in the Dick's Sporting Goods commercials in garbage time. I thought we were beyond this whole Andrew Shue cheap marketing. And shame on DC fans for cheering for it. You're supposed to be knowledgeable about the game, and LA fans are supposed to be the celebrity watchers!

Okay, the next Dick's ad has to be Ben and "Dawson" watching the tape of this game, with Ben having this huge-ass "See? SEE?" gloating smirk on his face, while "Dawson" sulks away to change out of his Beckham jersey.