You were supposed to lie down against ROMANIA, not RUSSIA

What have you done? I go away for a weekend of debauchery and hedonism, and come back to find that Euro 2008 has become as thrilling as the matchup between the North-Going Zax and the South-Going Zax.

Where's my Holland? I want my Holland back. Russia, who the hell are Russia? I haven't seen more than five minutes of Russia ever since their first game, when Spain beat them like the Falangists beat the Popular Front. (...too soon?) (Well, at least the Germany-Turkey semifinal shouldn't have any unpleasant political overtones. Germany were on the same side in World War I, and I'm so positive there have been no demographic or immigration issues arising since then that are even worth looking up.)

I guess the rematch should be a little interesting, but I was hoping to see a better team advance.

"Dear Dan,

Funny thing, they have a mechanism for deciding which team is better than another outside of personal prejudice. Two teams of eleven are chosen, along with five more players from which a maximum of three may be chosen as substitutes during the course of the game, and a contest is held to see which team is able to score more goals than the other. The team that succeeds is held to be the 'better' of the two.

Sincerely,
Russia

PS, we do love our children. Don't believe Sting's lies."

Yeah, sure, whatever.