Carrion call (yesterday's Euro R)

If I had been liveblogging the Ribery injury:

Oh, get up! You fouled him! He fouled him, what a stupid, clumsy challenge. He's just trying to get out of a card! Oh, right, yes, get the trainers. Get the magic spray. What a disgrace. This is why people hate the sport, because of guys like this douching it up. Quit douching it up, Ribery! The guy you cheap-shotted is up and walking, maybe you could try? Oh, a stretcher now! How pathetic. How utterly, inexcusably pathetic. There was better acting on You Can't Do That on Television. Guarantee you, as soon as he gets to the sideline, he's up and running. I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. God, they even made some poor sub warm up - quit selling it! No one's buying! Get back to the game already! If Ribery is actually hurt, then may God strike me down right this second. Oh, the sub's coming in.

I wonder if Ribery's hurt or something?

If Charlemagne's empire had remained intact to this day? Eleven Dutchmen in the starting lineup.

Hi, we're Romania. We played a thrilling game against Italy the other day, and we'd really like to get to the quarterfinals. Problem is, it's gonna take Mutu about five years of psychotherapy to get over the penalty miss, and just between us chickens, we're running on fumes. Now, a little bird told me you're not any more thrilled about the idea of Italy or France advancing than we are, so we were sort of wondering if you guys could maybe, perhaps, possibly, see your way clear to *squish*

"Coach Domenech, do you think you've achieved your goals for this tournament?"

"Oh, absolutely. As you know, our aim going in was to bring French football to a complete standstill. It took a lot of hard work, and a lot of luck, but I think people will look back at our performance this week and say, what the hell was that supposed to be?"

"Because, to quote the Dysfunctional Family Circus, you looked like a bunch of monkeys humping a doorknob out there."

"Thank you, I loved Dysfunctional Family Circus. One of the things we focused on in training was destroying the memory of our previous accomplishments. Going into the first game, we were among the great powers of the game. Now, we will be remembered as mere sidemen, who were nothing without Zinedine Zidane. Take, for example, Claude Makelele and Lilian Thuram. These are men who were among the very, very finest ever to play their positions. They have won trophies and awards and honors, they have built a tradition that would be remembered as long as the game as played. It is not such an easy thing to turn their legacy into, how would you say...back hairs on Ron Jeremy."

"Jack Haley?"

"Ah, yes, the perfect example."

"But wouldn't it have been simpler to just not qualify for the tournament at all?"

"Well, we feel for Scotland, of course. They are undoubtedly saying to themselves today, why? Did we not have eleven dead sheep that could have performed as well? But it is not so simple. Our goal was to turn French football into a smoking, radioactive crater. If one jumps off a chair, the impact is not so great. But if one jumps off the Eiffel Tower, that is when you make a splash, so to speak."

"Where do you go from here?"

"I will go to Hollywood and forge a successful career as Eugene Levy's stand-in."

"I love Eugene Levy. Comedy genius. Shame he does so many godawful movies. Coach, thank you for speaking English in this interview."