RED BULL v. CHIVA COLA:
I guess since the game has technically started, it's too late to make a prediction, but after carefully analyzing the trends in MLS, I'm going to predict cancellation due to rain and lightning.
Common sense would demand that Jozy Outthedoor (I'm a comedy demigod) do literally anything - hang-glide, motocross, needle-sharing - rather than play professional soccer for anyone besides Villarreal (or whoever they loan him too). Yes, I realize that until July 1 he's still a wholly-owned subsidiary of Red Bull. Yes, I remember that David Beckham played for Real Madrid right up until the very end...and didn't that (wait a second - shift key, shift key - there it is) DIDN'T THAT TURN OUT SO WONDERFULLY WELL.
Okay, I guess it did for Madrid.
If either Altidore or Brad Guzan play, I can only imagine the taunts that Jozy would give to Brad. "How's YOUR big-money transfer going?", that sort of thing. Of course, "Be a shame if something happened to your knees in a studs-up tackle before you made it over" would be a possible response, which is why I think the Red Bulls should just start the post-Jozy era now.
Yes, I know the official story is that Altidore is hurt. Yeah, sure - if you believe that, you probably believe that aliens never landed at Roswell.
It's not unheard of for a team on a serious, season-jeopardizing downswing to offload its best player, but that's something you'd expect from Derby County, not SuperClub East. Maybe Jozy was the problem all along. Maybe Jozy was holding them back. I guess we'll find out.
The way CUSA have been going this year, they'll probably lose Guzan and continue their undefeated streak. They've lost everyone else, after all. I wonder if "Goal: The Dream Begins!" can sue Jorge Flores for plagiarism?
UP TO THE MINUTE NEWS! Guzan started, Altidore isn't on the list of subs. Van Den Bergh and Angel are starting though. We're in the second minute, and New York is already down 3-0. I kid.
MORE UP TO THE MINUTE NEWS! What ELSE does a SuperClub do when they're in a potentially season-ruining free fall and their big name players can't produce? Schedule more games, especially meaningless friendlies! It will be Chivas again in Phoenix, only the ones from Guadalajara instead of Guadalajaja. I'm sure a night of Washington Generals duty will be just the thing the Red Bulls need. Kenn told me this minutes before I got the e-mail announcing it. Kenn's in the know.