Canadian Hallucinations and Garber Annouces Serioux Fine

Someone should tell Canada that if they really want to be taken seriously amongst the other denizens of North Americas Top Professional Soccer League® then they need to ask their sportswriters NOT TO WRITE CHILDISH DRIVEL LIKE THIS which only serves to demonstrate how very very little they understand the league.

There will be snow on the hills of hell and Didier Drogba will be playing for the Harrisburg City Islanders before Brian McBride pulls on a Toronto FC shirt and if there's someone up there who doesn't understand that they need to go back to covering USL 1.

McBride would simply retire before playing in Toronto. It's nothing personal, but the main reason he's coming to MLS is that his wife wants to live in Chicago. Oh, Toronto will get a lovely parting gift - nothing near what they are suggesting though; I'm told it's looking like a decent, non-star player and some allocation cash - but it's not going to be the pot of gold some of them seem to be anticipating.

Toronto has absolutely no leverage here. Mo Johnston will be told what he's getting, and that will be the end of it.

And while you're at it up there you might want to rethink the theory that HATRED AND PREGAME STREET BRAWLS ARE WHAT IS MISSING FROM MLS. I'm just not sure that this is gonna be a big selling point with Don Garber.

I do see though that TFC fans really enjoyed their trip to Montreal this week, what with hurling ethnic slurs at Impact fans and culminating the evening by beating up a few local citizens ("an all-out brawl" is how one TFC fan gleefully described it) but generally speaking we try not to make it a point of emphasis.

Speaking of McBride the accolades for his work in England continue to pour in. Even Fulham owner Mohamed Al Fayed took time away from his quest to prove that the doddering, inbred, imbecilic British Royal family plotted Princess Di's murder because she was banging his son to LAUD MCBRIDE'S SERVICE ON BEHALF OF THE COTTAGERS

No word though on a gold watch or extending the dental plan.

And finally, Don Garber, wielding the sword of Damocles like a rapier, announced that Adrian Serioux will be fined THE PRINCELY SUM OF $1000 for attempting to maim David Beckham, thereby setting MLS back a decade.

Don wants us to know that talking mean like that simply won't be tolerated.

Roger that, Donny. After a week of having to pack his lunch I'm certain that the lesson will sink in.