Hey, remember a few months ago when Adam Spangler, David Keyes, and Luis Bueno got together and wrung their hands over the possibility of the Riot Squad starting a mass brawl against all things Chivas? I sure do! They didn't come up with the idea, though. It was most popularized last year after Phox Phootball Phone-In finger-puppet Nick Webster took a long hard think about the teachings of author and philosopher Dougie Brimson, and trembled at the thought of Galaxy fans unleashed.
Just for the few people who started following MLS the day before yesterday - like the majority of fan groups in the league, the Riot Squad sits in a reserved section. Just like the supporters groups for twelve of the league's other teams. In other words, the Galaxy and AEG have the name, address, phone number, credit card number of at least three-quarters of self-identified Riot Squad members in one spreadsheet...and have since 2002. If ever a hooligan group could be easily controlled, it would be one in MLS.
I mean, of course Brimson didn't bother to learn this. The major intellectual accomplishment of Dougie Brimson was to outwit a coat-hanger for nine months. But Spangler, Keyes, Webster and Bueno have only the good of the American game at heart. Hard to believe they'd just spout off like that, and just let it lie there. Not if they were sincere. So I can only assume they reported me and the rest of my group to the authorities, knowing how easy it would be for the Galaxy to control this scourge.
Well, anyway, the day has come, and before the sheriffs kick in my door, let's just glance a little at how our boys have followed up on this big story. Let's start with Nick Webster.
Geez, I feel bad now. I mean, he just had a kid, he's obviously preoccupied with other things besides making sense on a weekly blog, and I completely understand that. I may very well do the same thing at some point. Under those circumstances, I can't get my heart into blasting him - I'll applaud his jolly good try at passing the Turing test, and move on.
So just to reset the table, here's what Bueno, Keyes and Spangler had to say back in March, when they were all chatty and full of vim and certainty:
Anyone still wondering why I started a "Soccer Press Cesspool" category?
Anyway, that was then. Keyes has been disappointingly quiet. In fact, he hasn't seem to have written anything since then that wasn't spoon-fed for him either by Luis Bueno or by the Chivas USA front office, which is a pity. Norman Spinrad, your thoughts?
As for Adam Spangler, on the eve of the biggest racial showdown in the history of American soccer, this is what he Twittered:
Let's see, it's April of 2008, and Spangler is only now wondering why something called Chivas didn't sign one of the most famous players in the history of Club America. Boy, that's a tough one. Chivas...Club America...Chivas...Club America...man, I'm stumped. This reminds me of the time that Hamas was trying to find someone to lead their government in the West Bank,and I was curious as to why they didn't get an experienced, tough politician with lots of expertise in the Palestinian conflict, like Benjamin Netanyahu.
Luis - well, he's the one who knows us...I mean, he says he knows us...I've never seen him at a tailgate...and I don't think Bueno could even name more than three Riot Squaders... then but gosh, it's not like Luis Bueno to exaggerate or mislead....so if he's worried about Riot Squad retaliation, then you'd definitely think that would be something he'd address.
I mean, what, do you think he'd post a lot of trivial, idiotic nonsense? Come on! He writes for MLSnet! What do you think he's doing?
Let's find out!
Okay, well, he's still trying to get someone...anyone...to care about Jesus Padilla. You know, if it were literally anyone else, I'd feel bad for them. Here they are, diehard Chiva, and they uncovered an impurity in the sacred flock! You'd think Daddy would pat him on the head and give him a sweet...but no! Amazingly enough, Jorge Vergara would rather lie, and slander the name of people he's never met, than admit something that inconveniences him in some way! What are the freaking odds!
You know, I really ought to spend some time carefully analyzing how Bueno and Canales handled that story, and how Chivas handled them, because it is eye-opening and just god-damned hilarious.
But...that can't be all Bueno had to say, right?
I am not kidding, that was actually the subject of the post. And he spent, like, DAYS answering it. The answer is, anyone who is actually interested in musical quality on Saturday isn't going to waste time with the hipster jackoffs in Coachella, but will go see Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine in Anaheim that night.
Bueno, inevitably, moans that he's not going to Coachella:
It's like he lives to give me punchlines.
And it actually got better. What follows is an exchange that I will keep close to my heart, and someday read to my grandchildren as an example of unintentional comedy. Slightly edited for clarity, and because unlike the potty-mouths at Sideline Views, I run a family-friendly outfit:
Unbelievable. Last year, AC was willing to face down the entire Columbus Crew over her right to be in the locker room, and now she's appalled at the idea that someone would mock her dimwit roomie. I'm gonna have to go back and see when the Professional Soccer 'Riters Association passed a "You can't read me if you don't like my friend" rule.
You know what, I've been inspired to do the same thing. People who insult Bill Archer, or Monday Morning 10Shirt, or the Center Hold Its, or BuffloSoldier, or the guy who blogged about how David Beckham was destroying soccer in America? Away with you! Read my words no longer! Hie thee hence, inconsiderate ruffians! For I? I hold friendship above all!
If you're for some reason wondering who "jamesey" is, he runs a blog that beats seven kinds of sh*t out of Sideline Views on soccer...LET ALONE music. Regrettably, he doesn't have a job that lets him jocksniff Chivas USA, so MLS doesn't give him a press pass.
Hey, WAIT a minute. It just hit me! The people who were MOST concerned about the Riot Squad starting ethnic violence tonight a month or so ago aren't saying anything about it now! That's just flat-out unusual, backing off a big story like that.
Or else they're suffering writer's block. Hmm. Maybe I can help them.
Hey - Spangler. Keyes. Bueno. Webster.
It's spelled "retraction."
You're welcome! See you at the game!