Now here's something we hope you really like

First of all, Center Holds It is now on BigSoccer! Yay! Go read them!

Because this entry is gonna suck. And I unironically blame Canada.

You may have occasionally browsed random topics off to the right of the screen there, and today I wandered into an ongoing discussion about what Toronto's nickname should be. Apparently as a joke, "Red Squirrels" came up, and I suddenly remembered I never looked into what was the story with one of the world's greatest crests.

Yeah, I stole the image. But soccerway.com doesn't have any more right to it than I do, do they?

Once again, coats of arms are responsible for soccer badge hilarity. Here is literally everything you could possibly want to know about the Kilmarnock town crest, derived from that of the Boyd family.

Well...everything except, why squirrels?

It seemed like such an innocent question.

Thanks to the Internets, research on silliness like this is much easier. Enjoy with me, starting on page 31, J.A. Harvie-Brown's 1880 address to the Royal Physical Society of Edinburgh entitled, for the love of God, "Early Chapters in the History of the Squirrel in Great Britain - Part II: Mythological, Heraldic, and Historical Evidence in Scotland."

Having been informed that the squirrel is a symbol for evil, we are told that the Boyd family put this ill omen on their coat of arms.

There we have it. Rangers represents Protestantism, Celtic represents Catholicism, and Kilmarnock represents Norse paganism. I'm surprised Nathan Explosions isn't one of their celebrity supporters.

Thus, the reason why clubs don't usually go into too much detail about what their logos mean. Nineteenth century clubs simply wanted to represent their community, and if the community's crest was inspired by some baronet eating bread mold six hundred years ago, that isn't the club's problem.

The only non-heraldic aspect on the club logo is the poorly-drawn Telstar ball. Which just makes the current logo just that much more awesome. The club logo used to be an exact rendition of the Kilmarnock town crest, as evidenced by the programs (or, "programmes," if you're foreign and you enjoy pointless extra typing) here.

Thanks to Toronto supporters, I have lived out a bizarre mixture of a Lovecraft short story and a Monty Python sketch. To quote the most famous squirrel ever, that trick never works.