Hunter promises more lipstick for the pig

Chivas USA stenographer Jaime Cardenas brings us another slightly re-written front office press release. I hope the Los Angeles Times merely killed electrons for this, instead of wasting trees and precious, precious newspaper ink that comes off in your hands.

Nope. Sure hasn't. No one's

ever thought

of trying

to find a

player like that. Jesus wept.

Why do you THINK they're talking about guys like Bravo and Bautista? Because they are no longer significant factors to a team looking to win the Mexican championship. An American Chivas team cannot and will not compete with the Mexican Chivas team for players. If there's a Mexican player of literally any use to the parent club, then that player will be playing in Guadalajara. The Chivas fanbase - including the target Chivas USA fanbase - will not tolerate weakening the Guadalajara club in favor of the California club. Not now, not ever.

I'm not surprised that Cardenas doesn't do the math on this, since he blanked out on a famous Mexican international player on the chart for Chivas USA as recently as effin' Saturday. But either Jorge Vergara really has washed his hands of Chivas USA, to the extent of letting them compete for available players on the open market against the parent club, or else Shawn Hunter is going to try what has already failed, and neither Vergara and Cue are letting Hunter know. (In fairness, Hunter worked in the same building at the time, so you'd have thought he was paying attention.)

And just so we're clear, Chivas USA failed at the gate in 2005 nearly as badly as they did on the field. No prizes for guessing which was the first, last, and only team ever to fail to break 20,000 for their franchise home opener. Going back to the 2005 strategy is like scheduling Lamaze classes four months after the abortion.

Why the league tolerates this drain on their resources is mystifying. Now that franchise prices have more than doubled, and new teams are experiencing weird things like fan support and sellouts, it's crazy to continue to put the leash on the dead dog and take him for a drag. St. Louis and Miami are begging and pleading to throw money at Major League Soccer, and MLS is trotting out the Clippers every week.

Worse than the Clippers, because the Galaxy are nowhere near the Lakers. There's only so much attention and publicity that MLS can garner for its teams, and MLS is telling one of the world's most fickle markets, "Oh, we also have this monstrously unpopular team, could you please give them some press attention? We're pitching them as sort of a minor league version of a foreign team, so, there's your hook. We're thinking you could go with 50% Galaxy, 50% Chivas USA coverage, how would that be?" And local reporters wonder why soccer writers are being laid off left and right. If fans won't pay to see them, why should they pay to read about them?

The only thing that Chivas USA can do at this point is hurt the Galaxy. We've already seen that they can't draw their own alleged fans. And we've already seen them try to poison the well towards the Galaxy - something they didn't need to do if they simply drew something like 2% of the county's self-identified Guadalajara fans.

Instead, we've seen everyone from Vergara to Luis Bueno call the Galaxy the white team. That obviously doesn't help with Mexican fans, but it also damaged the Galaxy's image among black fans, Asian fans, Central and South American fans - Los Angeles is the last city where a team can survive a "white" label. Cardenas is another of the Bizarro Chivas amen choir trying to fob this off, by the way - last year, he posted that refusal to sell tickets to Legion 1908 at Chivas USA home game prices was a sign of racism on the Galaxy's part. He would have published this blistering expose in the Times...except the Chivas USA front office asked him not to.

If they move Chivas USA to a community that would actually support them, the league wins, the owners win, the fans win. Who loses? Jaime Cardenas. Luis Bueno. The other local writers who have hitched their wagons to a rock, and now are sweating where their next free meal will come from.

And, since we're here:

Please do this, Preki. Please do this in exactly this order. I want Hunter to try to make a deal with another MLS team after he's signed a contract with a guy that he isn't yet allowed to put on the field.

How does he think that call to Houston or New England or San Jose gonna go? "Uh, our DP spot? Yeah, we can send you ours. We'll take Galindo, Bornstein, Kljestan, Guzan, and your first round picks for the next five years."

You're trying to sell seats like the other team in the Home Depot Center, not negotiate like them.