Rapids 4, Galaxy 0 (R)

What spoiler? If you're a Galaxy fan, I just saved you two hours. If you're a Colorado fan, you're even more likely to watch now. And if you're a neutral fan, I've given you time to queue up the Benny Hill theme for the highlights.

"You think you have problems," I said to the rest of my table last night. "I'm the one who has to write about these sons of bitches."

I'm not exactly sure which I was wrong about yet, but either way, I had no hint of an idea. Either Colorado is going to go unbeaten, untied, and unscored on this year, or the Galaxy are an order of magnitude worse than I possibly imagined. I sincerely apologize, I wasn't going for that much comedy in predicting the Galaxy would get to the playoffs.

See, my thinking went something like, they cut Celestine Babayaro, and kept Abel Xavier, which means that Abel Xavier is better than Celestine Babayaro. I fell victim to a similar logical fallacy in comparing Chris Klein with Chris Albright, and Greg Vanney with any of our draft picks.

There were two pieces of good news for Galaxy fans. One, Abel Xavier is not on any performance-enhancing drugs. Two, we don't have to worry about injuries making our defense vulnerable.

And what did the Galaxy do after turning in one of the most gutless, abject performances by any team in the history of American soccer? Of course! We blamed the refs!

Boy, the only thing dumber than this would be if we had complained about the

...altitude. Oh, for the love of....first of all, it's Colorado, not Bolivia. Second, I'm old enough to remember when the Galaxy would go into the greater Denver area and win fairly comprehensively - of course, so are you, and so is pretty much anyone older than Suri Cruise.

Oh, and Carlos Ruiz may be out for a while. The Stars Align!

And yes, I do get to refer to the Galaxy as "we." Someone has to. I don't even know who you blame for a loss like this - the players, obviously, but I can't believe Ruud Gullit and Paul Bravo had any more idea than I did that this is what we were in for. Explain to me what firing Alexi Lalas would accomplish, for example. I'd be more worried if it did have an effect, to be honest. If you're distracted by the general manager, aren't you just as likely to be distracted by, say, a shiny object or a bad biorhythm reading?

I apologize to Colorado fans hoping for some sort of analysis here, but what do you really take away from that? Colin Clark and Omar Cummings should be called up to the national team? I don't even know which national teams they would play for. Yeah, Terry Cooke played like he was the one who should have had 100 caps for England, I'm sure someone pointed that out. But by far the best performance in a Galaxy jersey was by Ben Olsen's kid in the Dick's Sporting Goods commercial. I think the Rapids need a sterner test before we say they've crossed over into the ranks of contenders - like, I don't know, going to bed without leaving the nightlight on.

I also apologize to those of you who hoped Your Team would be covered - maybe later in the week, after my primal scream therapy.