Frances Farmer's revenge

New Coke.

That's gotta be what's going on here.

DISCLAIMER: I have no intention of being a fan of the New Seattle Sounders, nor do I intend to purchase season tickets, nor do I live within a thousand miles of their home stadium, therefore, my opinion on their nickname is not relevant.

I have to say that, because nickname discussions are toxic and addictive. Repeating that to myself helps, it really does. I would hate it if some yahoo from the hinterlands suggested a bunch of crummy names for MY favorite team, so it's common courtesy for me not to bother fans with "Hey, how about Seattle Ill-Tempered Mutated Sea Bass?" or similar crap.

Having said all that - this has gotta be a joke. A set-up for a swerve. Like when your mom and dad say they're taking a trip to the quail farm for your birthday, and just when you're all resigned to go to the quail farm, they pull off at the Marriott's Great America exit and you're all, "Huh, kind of a coincidence that the quail farm is at the same exit as Marriott's Great America" and you don't figure out what's going on until the car is actually pulling into the parking structure and you're all "Yay! Oh, you totally fooled me!"

Wow, I was gullible.

But come on - just read the nickname descriptions, and tell me this isn't a quail farm trip:

This isn't a naming contest, it's Michael Palin's Dennis the Peasant speech from "Holy Grail." Say what you want about the Chicago WPS contest, but at least Peter Wilt isn't reading you dictionary definitions of stars and onions.

I realize that I have many, many teethmarks in my ass from thirteen years of going "Nah, they wouldn't do this, it's too stupid" and having it come back to bite me.

BUT THEY'VE INCLUDED A WRITE-IN CATEGORY. I CONSIDER THIS SO IMPORTANT THAT I'M INCAPABLE OF EXPRESSING MYSELF WITHOUT THE SHIFT LOCK.

Why would SeattleMLS give disgruntled Sounders partisans an opening that big? "Sounders" is going to win with Saddam Hussein-style numbers. I mean, are they just going to flat-out lie?

If Seattle None of the Above take the field in 2009, then I'll shrug and we'll all have a grand laugh about how wrong I was.

But it's going to be the Sounders, and Seattle Soccer Group is just teasing the fans, just to make the name even more popular when it's finally, inevitably announced. Bet the world.

I did send an e-mail to their contact form asking, in so many words, "Look, if there's a copyright problem, why not just say so and move on?" If I get a straight answer to that, I'll let you know. But if that IS the reason, then why not put that discreetly on the website somewhere, like on the FAQ - it is a FAQ, after all. Do they really think soccer fans are so immature and whiny that they won't understand simple business realities even when clearly explained to them my God, I'm so funny sometimes I scare myself