Can't wait for the movie

Jack Bell wouldn't lie about finding WMDs or frame Wen Ho Lee or spread rumors about John McCain sleeping with lobbyists. He just brings you soccer stuff.

Oh, Bell starts out his informative post pretty controversially, to my eyes:

Well, it hasn't often been said, because this is the first year there will even be fourteen teams. Gosh. (Unless those Florida teams are holding a grudge...someone better be watching those guys...I don't trust 'em....)

This particular conversation always devolves into people bringing up things like Rangers and Celtic fans stabbing each other and Italian fans burning each others' buses and Argentine fans getting their entire league shut down and Dinamo Zagreb and Red Star Belgrade fans starting an entire war, and basically bringing up examples that make Canadiens-Maple Leafs look like Michael Jackson v. Paul McCartney in "The Girl Is Mine." But even the least charitable observer would grant us one or two examples. If not, well, MLS didn't bring Philadelphia into the league for nothing.

Bell focuses on the ongoing Fire-Red Bulls feud, which for the most part I'm content to enjoy from a distance. Chicago, from my amused point of view, seems to be much more sinned against than sinning in this particular instance, but it's fascinating how well the Fire have built up poisonous hatred, ranging from teams older to teams only formed last year. In running up my personal list of the Best Rivalries in MLS, it's amazing how frequently Chicago v. Whoever appears. They're like the Anti-Cubs.

Towards the bottom of Bell's post is news of the most unnecessary book since "19-0! The Historic Championship Season of the Unbeatable Patriots", and the most misleading book since "How David Beckham and I Filled Stadiums Across the Country After We Joined The Galaxy" by Chris Klein.

I look forward to reading the foreword aloud in a really sarcastic voice.

I swear to God, they're just doing this to piss me off. I genuinely think they are going to the trouble of publishing this book simply to see my reaction. It's like they've never seen a man puke before.

"Portrait of Passion." Paul Lynde and Agnes Moorehead in "Bewitched" showed more passion than the Naks did. But "portrait" is applicable, since people in portraits can't move. Stop me if I've told you how standing around watching Rainn Wilson in those ads was sure great practice for standing around watching Marta.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this book is Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album - the USSF signed the agreements little expecting that the Naks would Tri-Delt themselves into sports infamy. But just for the sake of the environment, everyone involved should have said "You know what, this thing is going to sell about as well as a kosher cheeseburger, so we're just gonna call it a day."

Or maybe the idea here is that remembering the World Cup will help get fans excited for the Olympics. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Some day, someone's going to want to tell some inspirational story, and they will, in a flash of inspiration, hit upon "Portrait of Passion" as a perfect title. And that person will enter portraitofpassion.com into his or her browser, see what unholy abomination has profaned those uplifting words, and end it all then and there with a .38 to the eardrum.

That is, I think I disagree. I'm going to go lie down for a minute.