FIFA Hijinks

Because it's been a while since we touched base with World Class Greedbag Jack Warner and the rest of the rascally scamps at FIFA, I figured this was a good time to try and catch up with the comings and goings and bank account stuffings and bribings and all the other madcap zany antics of the men we let run soccer.

For those coming in late, we were discussing last years' Mastercard lawsuit against FIFA which started when Sepp and his pals grew unhappy with the sponsorship contract they'd signed with MC, so they went out and signed another one with Visa. Mastercard promptly sued.

FIFA showed up in Federal Court in New York with documents which later turned out to be fraudulent, copies of contracts which had had the dates changed on them and other contracts with forged signatures.

They then provided testimony from people like Chuck Blazer, the only American ever to serve on FIFA's exceutive committee and who is also Vice-President of CONCACAF. His statements in court were so patently absurd that the judge flatly accused him of lying.

Not that Chuck was particularly bothered by any of it. Chuck's just a naturally happy guy.

And when the judge issued her scathing decision against FIFA, Beloved Maximum Leader Sepp Blatter leaped into action. There's not going to be any of this nasty corruption and dishonesty stuff on HIS watch, no sir. Blatter's first move was to IMMEDIATELY ANNOUNCE THE FIRING of the guy most responsible, FIFA Marketing Chief Jerome Valcke, who had engineered the entire affair, along with three of Valcke's underlings.

“The employees who had conducted negotiations were accused of repeated dishonesty and giving false information to the FIFA deciding bodies in question,” said Blatter. They were fired for "breaching business principles."

Not that this stopped FIFA from going back to court to try and get the verdict vacated. I mean, principles, schminciples, we're talking money here.

Finally, in June, FIFA and Mastercard REACHED A SETLLEMENT whereby FIFA agreed to pay MC $90 million to drop all further litigation in the US and abroad.

Now, some of you might think that this was something of a defeat for Sepp Blatter. And you would be wrong.

Just how wrong was demonstrated six days - SIX LOUSY DAYS - after the settlement was announced, Sepp held anther press conference announcing the appointment of a new FIFA General Secretary, the number two position in FIFA, second only to Blatter himself.

Who could this new guy be? Well, here he is last November, serving as "Master of Ceremonies" at the preliminary draw for the European entries for the World Cup:

Could it be? Why yes it could. Jerome Valcke.

Valcke, who was only a couple months removed from the day he sat in a courtroom in New York City while a Federal Judge called him a forger and a liar, a mere two months after Sepp Blatter himself said he was guilty of "repeated dishonesty and giving false information", now finds himself General Secretary of FIFA.

Next: Jack Warner